Goodbye Cambodia, I'll miss you.

My last days in Phnom Penh were memorable yet depressing.  Saying goodbye to the children was very difficult.  I felt little comfort in the fact that they were either too young or too disabled to understand my leaving.  After six weeks, I felt as though I began to earn their trust.  The kids knew what to expect from me and I knew what to expect from them.  Six weeks may not be a lengthy time but I had fallen head over heals for each child.  Now, all I can think about is how to go back.  How can I keep helping them?  I gave them all of me but then I left so suddenly.  It isn't fair to the children but I hope my love and care will last in their hearts.

Friday night before leaving, Stephan, Nuno, Emily and I went to the mall.  We ate fast food then watched a movie.  We ordered too much popcorn and ate it loudly during "Battleship."  The movie was exactly what we had expected it to be.  Good, American, Corny Action.  When we got home, I went up to my warm room and repacked my suitcase.  My mind was going a mile a minute and I could barely focus on my simple task of folding clothes.  I couldn't believe how quickly six weeks had passed and I truly did not want to leave.  After packing, I took a long cool shower then slipped into pajamas.  I tried blogging but my fingers were stiff and my mind was scrambled.  I fell asleep and I awoke too soon.

Lugging my million pound suitcase down 3 flights of stairs was no easy task.  Thank goodness for my manly shoulders and brute strength.  I ate a peanut butter and nutella sandwich and drank a large glass of water.  Emily came down stairs and I gave her a few beauty supplies that I was leaving behind.  I followed her to her room and hung out on the empty bed while she packed for Thailand.  We chatted until the power went out then quickly went downstairs before it got too hot.  Nuno, Stephan and Gabriel were waiting at the table.  Everyone was pretty quiet apparently tired. 

I gave a bottle of wine to the host family and staff along with a thank you note.  They gave me a small box with a gift.  (later opened it in the airport to find some fancy Cambodian nail clippers inside).  Oh Cambodia.  I had stalled enough and it was finally time for me to leave.  I held back tears and hugged everyone goodbye.  My tuk tuk driver loaded my suitcase and I was off.  By the time I reached the end of the street, the tears were flowing freely.  I wished for an incredibly long tuk tuk ride to the airport.  It wasn't quick but it wasn't long enough either.  I wanted to hold my babies one last time.  I wanted to cuddle with Sam Nang, practice colors with Van Hon or say the alphabet with Keo.  I arrived at the airport and before I knew it, I was boarding the plane.

After a long day of flying, I slowly made my way through SFO customs and then received my luggage.  I walked the long hallway and as I turned the corner I spotted my mom and granny.  Ahh, I was finally back in the states and I couldn't wait to see my animals.  We met Lance for dinner and then headed home.  I greeted my dog, my cats, and chubby rats.  I took a warm shower and crawled into bed.  I closed my eyes and hoped I would wake up from the dream.  I wanted to be home... in Phnom Penh, Cambodia.

How to recycle a dead cockroach

I'm in my bed, half naked, eating potato chips and thinking about my amazing day.  I may regret eating chips in bed when I'm rolling around on crumbs all night but right now, this hits the spot. 

I'm starting to get butterflies in my tummy about leaving Cambodia.  I mean, it's either buttflies or that mystery meat I ate.  Neither would surprise me.  Just as long as whatever it is, it doesn't send me to the bathroom.  There is a cockroach in my bathroom and I've named him Edgar.  Sometimes he gets too close for comfort but I've let him claim that space.  My Edgar may have it good but his cousins at the orphanage do not.  They get sprayed with pestisides and kept in a small container.  Sopia is deathly afraid of bugs.  When Sopia doesn't want to eat, the Cambodian women take Edgar's dead cousins and threaten Sopia with them until he eats.  It's very cruel and causing lord knows what kind of psychological damage.  But... at least the cockroaches are being recycled?

During lunch break, I wanted to get out of the house.  I couldn't stand one more bowl of rice and I was craving fast food.  Yhosi (Venezuala) and Ida (Amsterdam) followed me to the mall for some Lucky Burger, frozen yogurt and best of all AIR CONDITIONING.  We stuffed ourselves until we were sick then headed upstairs to the toy store.  I bought my babies a new bike.  It would pair perfectly with the tubs of q-tips I purchased for them.  My goal for the afternoon was to let the children play and clean their ears as well.

The bicycle was a complete success. The children were great about sharing and even better about cleaning their ears.  I let them pick two q-tips and dip them into soapy water.  It was tough but I managed to clean all the childrens' ears.  They went from black and crusty to being a golden Cambodian brown.  I was happy with the results and the children were happy to be clean.

Many of the children are sick right now.  So on top of ear cleaning was a lot of nose cleaning.  I knew I was completely comfortable with the orphanage when I was picking boogers out of an infant's nose with my fingers, no problem.  I've been peed on, pooped on, spat on, bled on, snot on and I would turn around and do it all again in an instant.

Leaving them on Friday is going to be tough.  They are too young to make the connection that when I say goodbye that time, it will be be for good.  I'm already thinking of ways to come back.  I miss them even when I'm away for a day.  No matter how bratty or smelly the can be, I still want them near.  Yep, this is going to be really, really hard.

...woops!  I left my bathroom door open.  If Edgar got out, I'm gonna flip.  I better clean the chip crumbs off my bed.

A Thank You Letter

Dear Mom,

Words cannot describe the gratitude I have for you.  You make my world whole and I will be forever grateful for everything you have done.Without you, I would not have had the strength to come to Cambodia.  Without you, I would not have had the sense of humor to overcome the sense of sadness.  You keep me afloat when I feel like drowning.Without you, I would not be me.

You will never know the effect this journey has had on my soul.  I learned more than I thought possible and I loved more than I could have imagined.  It has made me appreciate all I have and made me believe anything is possible. 

Our hearts will always have holes from Dad's suicide.  It was tragic and turned our lives upside down.  I will struggle with the death for the rest of my life.  I lost a father and you lost a great love too soon.  It hurts and always will but please know that however sad we are, we will survive.  Life is random and not always fair but in the end, let's hope that the good has outweighed the bad.

From now on when I feel sorry for myself, I will think of my babies at Maria Teresa.  I will think of the starving street children with smiles on their faces, making the most of a shit situation.  I will think of their pain and push forward.  I promise to keep myself in check and work hard not to be selfish.

The end of this trip is the start of a new life.  I will say goodbye to Cambodia but only for a short while.  I will return and give more of myself to this country.  Thank you for this opportunity, Mom.  I have more love than hate in my heart and it's all because of you.  I hope that one day I can be a mother like you. 

Love always and forever,

Your not so clueless daughter

Emily: motorbike rider

Waking this morning, I had 3 things on my brain.  1) where did all these bug bites come from?  2) I need to ride a motorbike.  3)  I need to see Hunger Games.  After showering and putting ointment on my bites, I made the decision to go to the movies.  I couldn't wait any longer to see Hunger Games.  I thought I would kill two birds with one stone by calling Mr. SEE to drive me to the theater.  I rang my driver and asked him to bring his motorbike.

My legs were shaking as I sat in wait for Mr. SEE.  This was going to be my first time on a motorcycle and of course it had to be in Phnom Penh.  Phnom Penh where motorbike accidents kill more people than land mines.  I was nervous and excited all at once.  Then he pulled up.  I said goodbye to the girls and joked about probably falling off the bike.

I saddled the moto while saying hello to my kind driver.  I probably got a little too close for his comfort and told him it was my first time.  He laughed and said he would go slow and not to worry but I told him to go fast.  We set off and he quickly picked up speed.  This bike had power.  With a huge grin on my face, we swerved in and out of traffic, barely missing other bikes and tuk tuks.  After crossing a few intersections at top speed, without looking, I thought perhaps a helmet should be on my head.  I scooted closer until my chest was touching his sweaty back.  He told me not to worry.  I relaxed and put trust in my experienced driver.

Arriving at the City Mall, I got off the bike with shaky knees and a huge smile.  I paid him and felt a bit naughty doing so.  I loved it.  We said our goodbyes and I went on to my movie.  The movie times on the website were completely wrong.  Hunger Games wasn't starting for another 4 hours.  Instead of pouting, I just got a ticket to A Cabin in the Woods.  It was a hilarious horror movie that I had never heard of.  Totally worth the 3 dollars.  After, I had lunch and finshed my book.  I headed back to the theater and watched Hunger Games.  Amazing.

When I came out of the mall, It was dark.  I was a little nervous catching a random tuk tuk by myself but I managed.  I made sure my driver had a number plate and no alcohol on his breath.  Got home safely to a house full of friendly volunteers.  Serei made more dinner for me and I graciously accepted the meal. 

My final weekend in Cambodia has come to an end.  No more excursions.  No more welcome dinners.  No more late Saturday nights in this beautiful city.  Only 4 more days with my babies.  This is going to be harder than I thought.  How do I say goodbye to all the people I love? 

A girl who needs to get her "tough" back

I don't like to think I'm being a weenie, I like to think I'm being smart.  But as I rode the tuk tuk home tonight with a knife in hand, I felt like a weenie.  Nikki (fully recovered from her incident) told me she wants me to get my tough back.  Although, after everything, I honestly don't think that's going to happen.  I'm not shutting myself in.  I still go out at night but I'm a lot more aware and a bit more paranoid.

My last weekend has been spent in Phnom Penh.  The house is quiet with most volunteers traveling.  It's actually pleasant with a hint of spooky at night.  Today, Nikki and I walked, shopped, tuk tuked, shopped, ate and talked.  After a rigorous girl's day, we continued with seeing Titanic in 3D.  Oh boy, did I cry.  I'm missing the cool air conditioned theater.  It's smoldering in my room and my bed is already damp with sweat.

Tomorrow I plan to go to the pool.  A last hurrah to try and beat the heat.  102 degrees with 70% humidity is starting to get on my last nerve.
Regardless of heat,  I've done almost everything I've wanted to do in Cambodia except ride a motorcycle.  Though, I plan on losing my motorbike 'V' this week.  I've chosen Mr. See (a friend of the volunteer house), to be my first.  He has a big motorbike and the other girls say he goes fast but he's safe...  I'll let you all know the details of how it goes. 

Now, time for sleep.  Time for sweet dreams about Leonardo DiCaprio and Mr. See?

Punch Dancing

Ahhh, my roommate has gone and I have deep cleaned my room.  I feel very productive on this long lunch hour.  I have a week to myself... A week to sleep naked. 

I'm still glowing from my yesterday adventures.  Having Thursdays off has been a real treat.  However, yesterday, was the ULTIMATE treat.  I had planned on staying at nice hotel for my last couple nights but then I found Bodia Spa.  Yhosi (Venezuala) and I entered the oasis and decided to splurge.  We got the top package and after 4 hours of being pampered, we had been reborn.  Who wouldn't be happy with a full body massage, mango facial, body scrub, steam bath, spa filled with hundreds of petals, body mosturizing and pedicure?  It was amazing and I think I made the right choice! 

The new group at the house really enjoys the nightlife.  We have been going nonstop.  Pretty much work all day, party all night.  After our spa day, Yhosi and I came home, changed, ate, and headed out.  We went to a rooftop bar, played pool and had margaritas....  well... I had margaritas while the others drank beer and sweet cocktails.  Yuck.

As I was ordering a drink, talking to Nuno and "punch" dancing to 'Everybodys working for the weekend,' a cutie walked up to me.  He laughed and said, "wow, you're just really gonna go for it!"  I noticed an accent and my ears and those two things that jellyfish like to sting perked up.  He asked where I was from and I asked the same.  He then proceeded to tell me his origin.  Born in Barcelona and lives in England.  Whoa, I hit the backpacker jackpot.  After a bit of chatting, we parted ways and he told me we would talk later. 

I returned to the group and told everyone about my hottie.  We split into different conversations and Yhosi and I had a deep talk.  I learned that her boyfriend's mom committed suicide.  We discussed it and talked about my dad.  It's crazy how this world works and how tiny connections mean so much.  When we had enough of death talk, we played pool.  I was a total hustler and midgame, Barcelona Boy came to ask if we wanted to play doubles.  Because I am so socially awkward, I told him, "only if you punch dance."  He laughed but eventually started dancing.  No one can resist a good, weird dance.  So, we played and talked some more, and then parted ways again to return to our groups. 

Other Emily (England), asked who the guy was.  I told her and she got super excited he lived in her hometown.  She asked if I was single and I of course said yes.  Then she said, "oh, nevermind then."  She obviously wanted to get with him so I responded, "I'm single but he wont be getting anything from me, so you mine as well go after him."  She and I both didn't get how bad that made her sound.  She headed his way. 

More margaritas, more pool and Barcelona Boy kept finding his way back.  It was a self esteem boost, if anything.  Finally around 3am, our group headed home.  It was a great night and even greater that it didn't end with a weird tuk tuk driver.  And even even greater that it didn't end with regret. 

My last week in Cambodia and I WILL be making the most of it.  Even if that means punch dancing and punch dancing some more.

Note:  punch dancing is simply clenching your hands into fists and literally just punching air to the beat of music.  Yes, it is as sexy as it sounds...

Happy Pizza with a not so Happy Ending

Ready to come home.

Tonight was great until the end.  A huge group of us went for happy pizza (really weak but good pizza) and then played pool.  Afterward, I went to negotiate a  couple of tuk tuk drivers for us to get home.  We had these two sleezey ones that wanted too much money.  I wanted to walk away but the group was tired and didnt feel like bartering.  So i went in the tuk tuks because i didnt want to break from the group.

On our ride home, the mood got weird and things didnt seem right.  The guy was swerving and taking us the wrong way.  He wasnt following the other tuk tuk.  We asked him to stop and he laughed and said, "No."  We kept asking him and we made up a story about leaving a friend behind.Finally he stopped when we said we would give him lots of money.

We threw a 10 at him (lots of money to him) and ran to the only open shop on a deserted block.  Thankfully a woman there spoke English and called a taxi for us. 
I'm home now but a little freaked out.I'm ready to come home and I'm glad it's only a week left.

I hate having to look over my shoulder all the time and worry about everything.  Seriously, Cambodia, it's a love/hate relationship.

Sad babies and 80s music

As I walked into the orphanage today, my eyes immediately went to the new face.  A boy about one year old had a look of pure terror in his eyes.  He was holding on to a Cambodian worker when she shoved him into my arms. 

He cried and cried until I fed him and gave him a rattle.  The children all came to inspect him and they gave him kisses and hugs.  It was incredibly sweet but the baby kept looking around at all the strange new sights and sounds.  When I gave him water, he could barely drink out of a cup.  I got him a bottle and rocked him to sleep.  As soon as his eyes shut, one of the boys threw a tantrum and the noise startled the baby awake.  He would not stop crying for a while after that.  Finally, after countless attempts, he closed his eyes again.  With his head on my chest and hands near my neck, he slept until I left.  I wonder if he will still be there tomorrow because I miss him already.

After work, I came home, drank a cold Pepsi and ate a delicious dinner. I am getting a little tired of white rice though... just a little.  Even when we had finished dinner, my roommate and I craved french fries and frozen yogurt.  So, off to the mall we went.  A few other volunteers were going to a bar that played 80s music, so we met up with them after pigging out.

We had a few cocktails and listened to awesome tunes.  It reminded me of a club called Townhouse in Sacramento and made me miss my best friend.  Later, we went accross the street and played pool.  A nice ladyman took our drink orders and served us peanuts.  After a long day, I'm finally in bed and ready for sleep.  Only one more week in Cambodia.  Only one more week with my new friends.  Only one more week with my babies.  Yep, leaving is going to be hard...

"That's SO American"

New volunteers have started today.  I'm horrible with names but I'll eventually learn them.  There are two girls from southern Australia, a couple from Scotland and a guy from New Zealand.  I can feel the girls sniffing fresh meat.  I'll sit back and enjoy this show.

Tonight is the welcome dinner and I'm ready for some beers and Cambodian conversation.  I already joked with the two Cambodian project directors about getting drunk like last time.  They are so shy but they had big smiles and said yes.  So tonight should be interesting.  I think I'll wear a skirt and tube top and show off my pussy.......cat tattoo on my back.  This will be my last welcome dinner and I plan on making the most of it.

The stereotype people have about Americans is kind of sad but sometimes hilarious.  I have been told I have a very "California" accent.The other day, when I asked if people were excited for the Avengers movie coming out, Nuno said, "That's so American."  Well, if liking action movies with buff hotties is American.... then yes, I'm VERY American.  Having so many cultures in one house, makes for lots of excitement and it makes me want to travel more.  I feel like I've barely touched the tip of the travel iceberg.

Work was intense this morning.  Lot's of crying and hitting.  Van Hon decided I was the devil for making him clean up so he punched, slapped and kicked me.  I set him on his bed and told him to stop.  Of course he kept screaming and continued to hit.  When a Cambodian woman lookes over, he pointed at me as if I did something bad.  She smiled at me, walked over and spanked him.  Not my first choice but it wasn't my place to say something. 

My roommate Louise, who works with me decided not to go back to work this afternoon.  Hopefully the kids act civil for me since I will be by myself.  And hopefully Louise enjoys herself at the pool while I work...  I can't complain too much because I stayed home a couple days when I was sick.  It all evens out.

I have about 40 minutes left until lunch is over.  Definitely time to take a nap and rest up for the kiddies.  I wonder if I will get beat up again...

I've found my true calling - It's being naked in the ocean.

Koh Rong Island has left me breathless.  The white sand, the untouched jungle and the crystal clear water made me question my reality.  Was I really there?  Or was it all a dream?  I swam naked in the sea, drank tequila with a hot Aussie and smoked a joint (or two) with a scuba diver.  Whether dream or reality, I'm a changed girl.

"Well girls, if this is where we get split up and sold into slavery... It's been real."  Thankfully the group has the same sick sense of humor as me.  So when I joked about our impending doom at the ship yard, they all laughed.  We found our boat amongst the heavily polluted water and set forth toward heaven.

When my toes first touched the sand, shivers went up my spine.  Never in my life had I seen or felt sand like baby powder.  Ten feet from the ocean stood my bungalow.  It took a bit of adjusting with the red ants, no shower and mosquito nets.  However, the beach at my doorstep made it worthwhile.  The first night, we drank red wine and ice cold beers while watching the waves crash.  We went to bed at a reasonable hour and woke up to the sound of roosters crowing the next morning. 

For breakfast I had a pancake with fresh lime and sugar.  Everyone was shocked that I had never tried a pancake like that.  Something to add to their big list for Americans.  After breakfast, we jumped in the ocean.  We looked for sand dollars and shells and admitted when we were peeing.  The unspoken rule was to swim away from the group then do our business. 

Yosibell from Venezuala, Nuno from Portugal and I rented snorkel gear and began our search for sea shells and sea creatures.  When the sand flies became too much for us to handle, we headed back.  At dinner, I brought out the tequila.  Shit was about to get crazy... Fast!

Before we knew it, we were all naked in the ocean.  The tequila was gone and we were drinking a bottle of white wine and a bottle of vodka.  A jellyfish stung my left tit as I floated about.  Interesting feeling.  I guess I had started to float away into the deep sea because Lyndon from Austrailia pulled me back in.  ...Lyndon has dark hair, bright blue eyes, hard arms and an accent that will make your knees weak.  Too bad he was only on the Island for the weekend. 

After putting our bathing suits back on, we ran to the bar.  The owner turned up the music and we started to dance.  Keep in mind we were pretty much the only guests.  An American diver lit a joint and we passed it around.  It started to rain and we danced on the tables.  I lived up to my nickname, (boobs out Emily).  I wanted to go in the water again, so Lyndon and I ran toward the ocean and jumped in.  He told me about where he's been in California.  When we met back with the group, we got stares as if we did something nasty.  Psh, they were so in the dark.  American diver lit another joint and we kept dancing in the rain. 

The whole experience was like watching a movie.  This stuff doesn't happen in real life.  I was completely happy.  It was pure bliss, pure fun and pure Cambodia.

Surprisingly I woke up with no hangover.  I said goodbye to the volunteers that were staying and caught the boat with a few others.  Something very random happened along the way.  My Cambodian fire dancer was on a boat heading opposite us.  I doubt he remembered me but we waved to one another with big smiles.

I'm now on a bus back to Phnom Penh.  Dusk is slowly passing and slipping into dark.  There is no air conditioning and my legs have fused with the seat.  Ants linger by and mosquitoes buzz past me.  All these annoyances and I truly don't care.  I'm filled with happiness.  I love Cambodia with all of its surprises. 

So this is what finding yourself feels like . . .

Orphans at the Water Park

Nothing was going to stop me from going to the water park with the orphans.  No matter what my stomach issues were or if I had a headache.  I was gonna man up and give those babies an excellent day.

When we arrived at the orphanage, almost all the children were dressed in special outfits.  The boys had on pink shirts with beige overalls.  The twins, Lita and Lida had on adorable dresses.  Shylee was wearing a pink shirt with bright red pants.  The nuns had put a diaper on her and she was tearing it off every chance she got.  All the children had looks of complete happiness... Except for Vishna.  My sweet one year old boy was not dressed.  The Cambodian women said he couldn't go because he was sick.  I thought to myself, "I told you so!!!" 

Yesterday, Vishna was running a fever and he was very lethargic.  I kept asking the nuns and workers if he was sick.  They literally laughed in my face.  Every single one of them said, "No, Vishna Tired.  Vishna not hot, he not sick."  Of course I'd hoped I was a total moron for thinking this baby was sick.  But no, I'm not an idiot and when a baby has a fever, wont eat, and can't function.... um.... he's sick! 

Anyway, back to the water park story.Volunteers, nuns, kids, and workers headed downstairs to the "nun-mobile."  Before we could enter, we had to sit through 2 prayers that lasted longer than Gone With The Wind....  Finally in the nunmobile, we started toward the park.  The no air conditioning mixed with more sing-praying was an intresting combination.  I soon tuned out everything except the children.  As my eyes scanned the bus I saw nothing but gleeful smiling kids.  My eyes teared up when I looked at each individual child.  These babies are amused by so little.  They are over the moon about going into the playroom for 2 hours a day.  Now, they were actually getting out of the orphanage and breaking routine.  I cannot describe what I felt because the energy in that bus was beyond words. 

"WATER!!!" screamed Keo, as we pulled into the parking lot.  He jumped into my arms and bounced around.  Entering the park, I saw a HUGE sign explaining the complex water filtration system.  Now, I was excited!  Yay!  Clean water!

...Nope...  no clean water.  Murky, band-aid filled water.  Sharp concrete beneath my feet and dark, damp changing rooms.  But the kids could care less about the clarity of the water.  It was hot and they wanted to swim.  Soke kids loved the slides and some just screamed for their lives.  Every 5 minutes I would be a brat and ask the nuns if they were going down the water slide.  They would laugh and laugh and tell me, "oh no!."  The children with C.P. we carefully carried in the shallow pool.  It must have felt so good on their aching bodies to be completely weightless.

The kids had hamburgers and french fries for lunch.  Shylee picked up scraps of food on the ground with her toes and tried to eat them.  She gathered as many hamburger paties as she could and grasped them firmly in her hand.  It was interesting to watch her hoarding behaviors.  It really made me think of her life.  What she has been through.  This 10yr old girl has obviously struggled to exsist.  She is severely Autistic and it makes me wish she had proper care.  I think she could accomplish great things if given the chance.

After an amazing day, we piled in the van and headed back to the orphanage.  Back to the barred windows.  Back to the 2 hour playroom time.  The twins' mither was waiting to take the girls and you could feel the tension.  We said our goodbyes and parted ways.  Best wishes to Lida and Lita.  They will forever be in my heart.

This day confirmed that I will someday adopt.  I have a deep love for these kids and if I can help just one, I will.  Hell, If I could take one home with me in two weeks, I would.All in good time...

"Em, you're gonna make an excellent mum"

With my tummy still on the fritz, I powered through work today like a champ.  The kids however, were more vocal about their feelings.  There were lots of tantrums, lots of poop and copius amounts of pee (or, 'wee' as my Australian mates would call it).  I just plugged my nose and worked through all the bodily fluids being thrown at me.

The 1 year old twin girls, Lita and Lida are leaving the orphanage tomorrow.  I would like to say this is bittersweet but honestly, it's only bitter.  The twins haven't been adopted, their HIV positive parents decided to take them back.  I've seen the parents before and I'm sorry to say I am not impressed.  The mother and father have filthy clothing and look unwell.  I should be happy the girls are going back home but I worry for their safety.  Hopefully, I have incredibly misjudged these people.  Hopefully Lita and Lida get plenty of love, an education and security. 

On a better note, tomorrow all the volunteers are taking all the children (except the 2 infants) to the water park!  I cannot wait to see their smiling faces as they splash around and go down slides.  Even the dissabled children are allowed to go.  They are going to have a blast. 

Two nurses a few years older than me came in to visit the children.  They have recently opened up a clinic in a nearby province.  I was holding and rocking baby Pissat to sleep when one came to check his breathing.  He needs medication, as I expected.  Still holding the baby, another volunteer stood next to us.  She bluntly said, "Em, you're gonna make an excellent mum."  I don't know if I was just overly emotional but I nearly cried.  It was such a simple thing for this woman to say and it touched my heart.

After I placed the baby in his crib, I saw Shylee (Autistic girl) looking up to no good.  Sure enough the 10yr old girl had pooped on the patio.  I was beyond grateful that another worker saw and was going to clean it up.  5 minutes later, Shylee peed on the floor.  I cleaned her up and tried to be positive.  I thought maybe she wasn't getting enough attention.  So I played ring-around-the-rosie with her.  She was laughing and smiling.  Immediately after "ashes ashes, we all fall down" she peed.  I cleaned her up and tried even harder to be positive.  Regardless of my positive attitude she continued to pee on the floor and she never peed when I took her to the toilet.  All she did was eat soap and spit on me.  Interesting....  Very interesting.

Completely drained from work, my roommate Louise and I decided we wanted pizza.  We went home, washed all the interesting smells off ourselves, grabbed Emma and headed for the mall.  We had yummy veggie pizzas and garlic bread.  Followed by frozen yogurt with chocolate chips.  I haggled a fair price with a tuk tuk driver and we headed home.  Now, totally awake from the soda I drank with dinner, I'm trying hard to feel tired.  I have to get up early tomorrow and I want to be well rested for the kiddies.  I'll try and sleep now.  Going to bed with good thoughts about kind words on my motherly abilities. 

A day to myself

Today, I woke up drenched in sweat.  And while that was no surprise, the fact that I was shiverring cold was.  My tummy hasn't been my best friend this past week.  Without going into too much detail, let's just say I've become very close with my toilet.  This morning however, was bad, so I decided to stay home.  I didn't want to scare the poor children with my loud and angry tummy sounds...

I'm going to stop drinking the water from the volunteer house.  They say it's filtered but I wonder when they last changed the filter.  For now, only bottled water will be quenching my thirst... and coke, coke will be fine...

Other than some sharp, tummy pain, my morning has been great.  I did some much needed laundry and hung it to dry in the sun.  It isn't too hot with my fan directly on me, so I can comfortably read on my bed.  I'm on the second Hunger Games book and so far I am rooting for Peeta. 

I called my granny and we had a nice conversation.  I think this last weekend had her freaked out so hopefully it helped hearing that I was fine.  After, I called my mom, only to find that my B.F.F Kelly was at my house!  We joked about how creepy it made her seem.  Good times.  Hearing everyone talk made me happy.  I miss home but even after all the crap that's occurred, I still love Cambodia.  I think it's a love/hate kind of relationship. 

I was sad that I wouldn't see my babies today but I think this day to myself is just what I needed.  I've been around people almost the entire time here so being an introvert has proven difficult.  After making a full recovery I will be ready for the last half of my trip.  20 more days!  Oh how time flies!

Did that really just happen!?

What a lovely Sihanoukville vacation..................  I was sick on my birthday but felt better the day after.  I went to a beautiful beach and swam in the ocean.  Little, striped fish and medium crabs swam by me.  It was so much fun and it made me fall in love with the South Coast of Cambodia. 

Most of Saturday night was just as much fun as the day.  We went for dinner, saw fire dancing and drank a bit.  The fire dancers were super sexy, so after a few drinks, I grabbed one and we danced under a black light.  He smelled like lighter fluid and had rough hands.  Aside from the normal tourists, there were quite a few perverts.  This man who was most likely a pimp tried taking photos up my friend, Yosi's dress.  I pushed her legs together and gave the pimp a bitchy look.  With her South American accent, she said, "that creeper juss try to take picture of my poooosy!"  Mixed with the perverts were pretty "lady-men" hookers.  Nuno was very surprised when I pointed one out.  I think he was crushing on he/she and was freaked out when I told him what he/she was. 
Nearing the end of the night Nikki told me she was heading back to the hotel.  I gave her the key and told her to be careful.  I continued to dance with my sexy Cambodian but suddenly came to my senses.  I ran to catch up with her and we started our 5 minute walk back to the hotel.

We made sure we were walking on the correct side of the road.  We passed quite a few motos and politely declined their offers.  Then a moto did a quick u-turn and before I knew it, Nikki was no longer by my side.  I turned around to her yelling and saw her being dagged along the pavement by the moto.  She made the driver and his passenger lose control and they crashed into the divider.  I ran toward her and kept going after the driver.  They were able to get the bike up and going before I could catch them.  The people who witnessed it did nothing to help.  A boy picked up the driver's dropped hat, put it on and walked away. 

My friend was bleeding, crying and I was in total shock.  We went back to the hotel and tried to get the police.  These Russian tourists gave us bandages and antiseptic.  I took Nikki to the room, washed her up and dressed her wounds.  I gave her some pain meds and we made all the necessary calls.  The police weren't coming until the morning so we tried to sleep. 

Both upset and exhausted, we finally shut our eyes around 5am.  Every little noise woke me because I was scared about the theives having our room key.  I awoke at 7am and left my sore, sleeping friend to ask questions of management.  They rang the police again and told us they would come at 10am.  I had little faith they would actually show up. 

To my surprise the police came right around the promised time.  A sweet hotel employee translated for us and Nikki was able to get everything signed and fingerprinted.  The only issue was they needed her to stay one more night so she could talk with the chief of police in the morning.  This was a huge issue.  I wasn't about to leave her there and we both wanted to get back home.  I called Serei, our project manager/angel, on the brink of tears.  He talked with the officers and then informed me we could come home.  Yay!  We couldn't wait to get to Phnom Penh.

Yosi grabbed us a couple tickets on their bus and we hauled ass to the bus station.  I don't even want to think about what I left behind, we were just happy to get out of that horrible province. 

On the 5 hour ride home, Nikki and I had our share of inappropriate laughs, appropriate cries and necessary head shakes.  Sihanoukville had got us and we couldn't believe it.  Dinner was waiting for our group when we arrived home.  After eating, I showered and then attended to Nikki's scrapes and gashes.  She told me I should be a nurse, no doubt.

I am once again happy to be home.  Especially after this interesting weekend filled with many ups and and as many downs.  At least I can honestly say I partied in South East Asia, danced with a hot, sweaty Cambodian and drank from a bucket.  I'm more aware of the dangers here and I will be more careful.  It shook me up but I'm grateful Nikki isn't seriously injured.  Though, no more "snookie"ville for us.

Wow. What a Crazy Night! ...Not...

My birthday in Cambodia has been pretty uneventful.  It's no ones fault but my own.  The other volunteers tried to make my day and night wild but I caught a case of the lazies/depressies and couldn't shake it off.  I'm a tad disappointed in myself but there's always next year.

I woke up around 5am to leave for Sihanoukville.  I was groggy, cranky and didn't want to open my heavy eyelids.  Finally forcing myself out of bed, I took a quick, cold shower and met Nikki downstairs.  She looked in the shame shape I was.  We complained about various things, ate peanut butter on bread and headed out to catch a tuk tuk.

The bus ride was as boring and dirty as expected.  I tried to sleep through most of it which was hard with the Cambodian Karaoke blaring in my ear.  When we arrived in Sihanoukville, it was hard finding an honest tuk tuk driver.  They all seemed to be over charging and were quite rude.  My bad mood went to worst mood and I just wanted to get to the hotel.  Thankfully we grabbed a driver with a fair fare.

The hotel (more like motel) was better than I expected.  It had a clean pool, hot water and air conditioning.  What more could a girl ask for?  At 12 dollars a night, this place would do just fine.

Nikki and I spent the day lounging by the pool, sipping on banana shakes and reading.  THIS is how I wanted my birthday.  When it came time to shower and get ready to meet up with the others, my tummy sunk and I felt weird.  I thought it was from too much sun but had a feeling it was something else.  Something eating away at me and ruining my chance for happiness on my birthday.I told myself to snap out of it and to grow the hell up.  So much easier said than done.

All dressed up, we started our 3 min stoll to the beach.  Wearing all black with a dark purple purse probably wasn't the wisest of choices.  The road was dark and empty and I got an eerie feeling walking down it.  When we did walk past people, 9 times out of 10, it was an old white guy with a young, Cambodian prostitute.  This didn't help my sick feeling.

The ocean was calm and the beach was dirty.  Lot's of wild dogs, pained by breeding, with red, sore nipples, trying to find scraps of food.  The children were almost as bad as the dogs when it came to scavanging something to eat.  One boy, asked me to buy a bracelet as he longingly stared at my almost untouched bowl of rice.  After he left, Nikki asked me how my birthday was going.  I finally opened up and told her about my dad, about the suicide and about my birthday.  My throat felt tight and my eyes squinted but I bit my cheek and forced myself not to cry.  After the painful conversation, Nikki understood why I wasn't ecstatic about my day. 

Leaving the table, I fondled my purse zipper to find that it was open.  My purse was open and my wallet was gone!  I immediately blamed the hungry children from dinner.  They were sitting close and they were sneaky. At this point I was thinking, "That's it, I give up!  Fuck my birthday and fuck Cambodia."  "Wait," I thought.  "Did you bring your wallet out with you?"  It was a lonnnng walk back to the hotel and a struggle with the key to the door.  As I turned on the light, there it was.  Sitting right where I had left it.  Beaming toward me and mocking me at the same time.  Nice one Em, are you done being a fool? 

Now, curled up in bed, freezing from the air conditioning and watching a Tom Cruise film, I'm ready to call it a night.  Thank you to everyone who attempted to make this day great.  It just wasn't in the cards.  My mental block has not yet come down.  Neither home nor Cambodia can cure this broken heart.  All I can hope for is mending.  I really do try to be positive and I really do try to move on.  I guess I just need more time... and perhaps a new birthday...

Ready for the weekend

I worked my bum off this week.  I'm soooo ready for my long birthday weekend.  Today, Shylee decided to pee in a plastic cup and drink it...  Now I know why the Cambodian workers do not allow her to have cups.  So yeah...  I'm spent and need a weekend of rest and relaxation.

Our project manager warned us not to travel to Sihanoukville this Friday because there is going to be massive storms.  But, it's my birthday, dammit!  I'm going to the beach no matter the state of weather.

Nikki and I had planned on going to Koh Rong Island.  However, we didn't want to be stuck in our bungalows all weekend so our island getaway will be postponed until next week.  Instead, we booked a hotel on Serrndipity beach.  Our plan is to go crazy on my birthday night.  According to other volunteers, Serendipity beach is supposed to be, "wild."  Night swimming in the ocean is high on my list of things to do...and I wouldn't mind meeting a hot Aussie!  ;)

In other news, my legs look like they've got red dots painted all over them.  I've got some pretty mean-looking bites.  The mosquitos here are really sneaky.  I hate them.  So, WHEN I meet my hot Aussie at the beach this weekend, I hope my blood-sucked limbs don't make him cringe.  AND hopefully he doesn't notice my swollen right foot.  It's almost cankle status.  Other than all my hideous abnormalities, I'm literally hot as hell! 

Woo!  Birthday weekend!

Nuns: 1 Emily: 0

These last couple weeks have been filled with holding my tongue around the nuns.  It is frustrating enough when you are trying to discipline a child for biting or hitting you.  Add a nun to the equation and it becomes a million times worse.

Don't get me wrong these women are very nice and have the greatest intentions but they don't have any rules for the children.  Just today, Simone (the boy with Down Syndrome) tried to bite me when I wouldn't let him steal other's food.  I removed him from the table and placed him in his crib.  As he cried, I got down to eye level and explained that stealing and biting are not okay.  My plan was to take him back to the table once he calmed down.  Before I could follow through, a nun came shuffling over and said, "No, he need more food.  Take back to table.  Simone need more food."  I told her that he tried to bite me.  She ignored me, picked him up, hugged him, praised him and returned him to the table.  I clenched my teeth so hard my jaw hurt.  Simone is so intelligent and I see so much potential but he will never be able to function in society if he doesn't learn consiquences.

Yesterday morning I saw a mother drop her new born off.  She had tears in her eyes as she talked with the nuns.  Later, I met this new baby and looked at him with awe.  He is 4 weeks old but doesn't weigh more than 2 lbs.  His skin dangles from his bones and his breathing is quick.  Holding this fragile, malnurished baby for the first time was intense.  I'm in love with him and I hope he doesn't fall ill like past infants.  I want him to become a chubby, happy baby.

I do feel as though I'm making a difference.  Recently, Shylee, the Autistic girl, came and sat on my lap.It was an accomplishment because she so seldom likes to be touched.  I felt so proud that she was starting to trust me.  Soon after, she went on the balcony, took her clothes off and peed...Baby steps. 

My job is always entertaining and I'm never bored.  I honestly love it and I can't wait to go to work every day.  I am exhausted and ready to relax.  It's storming outside with thunder and lightning.  Perfect time to tend to my bug bites, read my book and nod off to sleep. 

Saying Goodbye and Saying Hello

Total sadness that I had to say farewell to some of my ladies this weekend.  Stephanie(s), Katie, Katisse, Gillian and Alexa finished their volunteering and headed separate ways.  Nuno, Kimmie and Nikki are all that remain of my group.  It's not so bad because the people that have been here longer are great and the new group seems enthusiastic and nice.

I had a fabulous roommate for two weeks, so saying goodbye to Alexa was rough.  I was nervous about my new roomie until I met her 2 hours ago.  Her name is Louise and she is from England.  Haven't quite talked to her much but I think we'll get along fine.  She'll be working at Maria Theresa with me.  So we should have plenty to gossip about at night.  I just hope she doesn't get freaked out by the thunderous noises coming from my tummy.  Fish Amok for lunch was a bad choice...

Other than my new friends leaving me, this weekend was a smash.  We went for drinks on Friday night to celebrate Nikki's birthday.  Alexa and I shared a jug of some vodka drink and I consiquently had a throbbing headache the next morning.  But it was nothing a day at the pool and sunbathing couldn't fix.  When I got home, I deep cleaned my room and bathroom, showered and started a book.  Later that night, I played cards with Nuno.  I lost and accused him of cheating.  With the absence of my roommate, I was able to sleep with fan directly on me.  It was the best sleep I've had since being Cambodia.  
Today (Sunday) I took a cooking class in the city.  We went to the market and saw fresh fruits, veggies and flowers.  The meat section of the market is always hard to stomach.  The chickens in cages or hanging from their feet, still moving make my eyes water.  Most of the fish are still alive but are in no water.  So they are slowly suffocating to death in front of you.  The Cambodian women chopped the fish heads off and somehow their gills still gasped for air.  The slaughterhouse was thankfully cleaned after the 3am killings.  What was left were lifeless pig bodies, cow tonges and ribs.  After holding my breath and swatting away hundreds of flies, we made it out of the market.  Oh boy was I ready to eat...

During class I made taro root spring rolls, fish amok, banana flower salad and sticky mango rice.  It was all very yummy but now my tummy is yelling at me.

Our instructor was hilarious.  He had the strangest English accent which he supposedly got while studying in Singapore.  His brother-in-law was his assistant and he was a freakin hottie.  After flirting and saying as many Khmer words I knew, I found out he was in high school.  Woops.  It was still loads of fun and I learned a lot.  However, it was a lot of work and I'm happy to be in bed now. 

Friday is my birthday and I'm obviously having mixed emotions.  When the other girls talk about their fathers, my heart sinks a little.  But, I'll be fine.  If working with abandoned children has taught me anything, it's that blood doesn't make family.  My family consists of those who stand by my side through thick or thin.  My family is anyone who touches my soul and makes me a better person.  I'm very grateful for what I have.  It wouldn't matter what day my dad killed himself on.  It would be hard no matter what.  So, instead of dwelling, I'll keep going.  Cry a little, smile a little and laugh a lot. 

But right now, I don't have time to cry.  I have to try and get this cockroach out of my room.  He was kind of cute at first but now he's creeping me out.  I swear he's staring at me!

Tipsy at The Pool

Today was freaking amazing.  It was my day off and I definitely spent it the right way.  I got a light glow from the sun, drank watermelon cocktails and ate french fries.  Doesn't get much better than that.  I didn't think I was going to be in a great mood this morning, considering the night I had. 

Around 10pm last night, I started hearing scary noises.  My dramatic mind immediately thought it was people trying to break in.  I laid in my bed, eyes wide and ears open.  After an hour of being too scared to look outside, I woke Alexa up.  She confirmed that the noises were creepy and we got the nerve to tip toe out of our room.  We thought someone was stuck on the roof and banging to get in but neither of us were brave enough to set out on a rescue mission.  Instead, we ran downstairs and asked Seri (our volunteer leader) to look for the noise.  He searched the house and just as he opened the door to the roof..... A MONSTER ATTACKED HIM AND ATE HIS BRAINS!!!!  Okay, not really...  we never found out where the noise was coming from.  But that's a boring end to the story, so I maintain it was a monster.

Tired from last night's shenanigans, I decided to sleep in.  It was too hot though, so I took a long, cold shower.Katie and I weren't leaving for the Villa Lanka pool until 10, so I relaxed and did crossword puzzles until it was time to go. 

When we got there, we ordered cocktails and jumped in the pool.  The afternoon was spent in the hot, Cambodian sun, listening to our ipods and sipping on drinks.  We left in total relaxation.  On our way home we stopped at Blue Pumpkin.  I got passion fruit sorbet and fresh banana bread. 

Now I'm back home and continuing my great day.  More crossword puzzles and ice cold water are in store for me.   Hopefully no scary monster noises tonight...

Let's Make Fun of Autism

Home from my placement and quite annoyed.  Today, I held the one month old, Pissat.  As much as that relaxed me, I still came home pissed off.  I don't enjoy watching disabled children be mistreated and I don't enjoy watching the kids without disabilities get rewarded for bad behavior.  ...Makes my skin crawl.

While holding Pissat, I watched the children who have CP get fed their meals.  The Cambodian women drag them by their legs to a dirty mat and shove a blended rice mixture into their mouths.  I know VERY little on how to care for CP children but I'm pretty sure yanking their leg isn't great.  When the women saw me see them they looked at me and laughed nervously.  They obviously knew this wasn't okay. 

Before the other kids had lunch Skylee (the girl with Autism), skipped over to the Cambodian women.  They made fun of her until she came running over to me in tears.  She doesn't speak but I knew why she was upset.  Skylee is always smiles so to see her cry broke my heart.  I know the Cambodian women are not edjucated and I try to take this under consideration.  But I gave some downright dirty looks to these workers today. 

On the other side of the discipline spectrum are the nuns.  These sisters do not know the first thing about caring for children.  Many of the kids are turning into spoiled, ungrateful brats.  When they cry or throw tantrums, they are given treats.  I worry that prospective adoptive parents will see this behavior and be turned off.  These children are so sweet but they need proper discipline in order to become good human beings.  No, I'm not talking about spanking or hitting.  A simple time out would suffice.  But instead of a 5 minute tantrum-filled time out, they get their way or treats. 

A favorite treat are balloons.  It might be just me, but I think giving deflated balloons to children all under the age of four is dumb as heck.  One year olds are allowed to run around with them in their mouths.  They can can tear them, blow them up, pop them and ultimately eat them.  Yesterday I saw a disabled girl had a whole blue balloon in her mouth.  Why was I the only one upset by this!? 

It's frustrating because I can only do so much.  6 weeks is not long enough but it is all I have.  I hope I can teach the Cambodian women that making fun of Autism is not okay.However, if they don't have the instinct to be good human beings already, then it's pointless. 

I worry for Skylee as well as all the other children.  I want them to be good people and have good educations.  I want them to be kind to one another even if others are different.  I want them to love animals and treat them with respect.  I have four weeks left...   shit...

Comfort Noise

Laying in bed and listening to the traffic flow by.  Even though my window doesn't lead outside, it's loud enough to hear.  I just had yet another delicious meal and drank a refreshing Cambodian beer.  I'm relaxed, tired and completely happy. 
-Nikki just visited my room and said there were adult beverages on the roof.  Ok, NOW I'm completely happy.

...Now on the roof enjoying a vodka and sprite.  We are planning our vacation to the south coast over the Cambodian New Year.  It's great that I get to travel so much while I'm volunteering. 

My job placement is enough to maKe me pull my hair out, yet I wouldn't want it any other way.  I have no regrets about this trip and I only look forward for what's to come.  I love Cambodia, I adore the volunteers and the orphans make my heart whole.

Siem Reap - Part 2

I was so excited for my massage, especially the fact that it was only going to cost 6 bucks.  The place looked clean and well kept.  The girls wanted foot massages so they stayed downstairs.  I wanted a back massage, so I went upstairs.  It was an open room with lots of thin curtains.  I took my top off, layed down and focused on my breathing.  She had good pressure and a nice flow.  But then I heard noises coming from a couple sections away from me.  Man noises.  Happy noises.I cringed and tried not to listen.  Once he finished... I mean left... I enjoyed my lovely 6 dollar massage.

After the massages, we met the rest of the group for dinner.  I was starving and craving chicken.  I ordered a chicken sandwich and a mango smoothie with rum.  When the drinks came, I could barely get it down.  It tasted like powder and I later found out it was.  Now, I had low expectations about the food.  Sure enough, my sandwich tasted sour and rotten.  Gross.  Stephanie's fish dinner had tiny green bugs swimming in her rice.  Double gross.  As we left I stupidly looked through the window leading to the kitchen.  Cockroaches EVERYWHERE!  Imagine the worst amount of cockroaches you can and triple it.  That's how bad it was.  Triple gross.  By the end of the night, I had had enough of Siem Reap.  I was grumpy, disgusted and ready for bed.

The next morning, I awoke in a good mood.  I had a yummy breakfast at the hostel and had a fresh outlook on Siem Reap.  Soon after breakfast, Stephanie and I went into town for our cooking class while the others took off to the floating villages. 

Our class was at a nice restaurant named Le Tigre de Papier.  (I know I butchered the spelling).  We had a great group and had loads of fun.  The class began with a trip to the market.  We bought fresh, Cambodian lyche and watched fresh coconut be ground.  The whole experience was amazing.  I'm now a master chef in Fish Amok, papya salad, banana flower salad, Cambodian curry and noodles with vegetables.  When class ended we had to haul ass to the bus station.  We got there just as the bus was leaving.  Phew!  Things were looking up in good ol' Siem Reap! 

The 8 hour bus ride would have been better IF a) there weren't 100+ mosquitos.  b) if a person hadn't brought on fish.  c)  if the girl behing me didn't barf.  d)  if a dad would'nt have let his daughter poop just outside the bus for everyone to see.  e)  if the driver hadn't had drove like a maniac. 

Home at last.  Goodbye Siem Reap, It was real, but I'm a Phnom Penh girl!

Siem Reap - Part 1

After a six hour long bus ride, my group finally arrived in Siem Reap.  We were cramped and exhausted.  We found a tuk tuk and made our way to the hostel.  It was dark, dusty and quiet compared to Phnom Penh.As we reached the hostel, I noticed it was quaint to say the least. 

Alexa and I entered our room and I immediately spotted a dead cockroach.  There was no air conditioning (big surprise) and the bed looked quite questionable.  Without fretting too much, we dropped our bags and headed out for a bite.

Katie, Nikki, Nuno, Stephanie, Alexa and I decided on a place and sat down to eat.  I ordered a margarita and began to unwind.  Just as I was starting to relax, a creepy, middle aged white man came in with 4 Cambodian children.  They ordered food and ate as he eyed them.  The whole thing freaked me out and I could no longer enjoy my tequila or my food.  With all the news reports dealing with sex trafficing/slavery, I was watching that man like a hawk.  I never saw anything inappropriate so when we left I tried to think positively.

The next morning we had to wake at 4:00am.  It was rough.  We wanted to arrive at Angkor Wat by 6:00 to watch the sunrise.  Little did we know that the cloud coverage would spoil any and all plans of a beautiful sunrise.  Even without the morning sun, the temples were absolutely magical.  The size and design were jaw dropping. 

As I walked through the stone walls of Angkor Wat, I came across a monk.  I put a donation in his box and he immediately grabbed my hand.  While tying a small, red bracelet around my wrist, he chanted a prayer and blew air on my paw tattoo.  It was nice and made me feel great. 

However awe inspiring Angkor Wat was, it had quite a few downsides.  The beggers and sellers got on my last nerve.  They were all throughout the temples and there was no escaping them.  Imagine being at the mall and all the kiosk workers come running up to you, follow you after you've said no and some get too close for comfort.  All the harassment took away from my experience at the Temple.  By the end of the tour, a few of us were so tired that we viewed the last temple from the comfort of our tuk tuk.  I was spent and ready for lunch. 

Back in Siem Reap, we had lunch at great place called Soup Dragon.  I had a delicious frozen watermelon drink, a salad and veggie spring rolls.    I believe everyone enjoyed their meal!

After lunch I headed tthe markets.  I haggled my way to some excellent and cheap items.  Ready for a nap, I set out for the hostel.  Somehow getting turned around, It took me almost 3 hours to find my way.  It should have taken me 5 minutes...  As I finally got back to the hostel, the girls were headed to get a massage.  I joined them and walked 5 minutes into town.

To be continued...

Child Psychology

Working at the orphanage this week has educated me in more ways than one.  Not only have I mastered the cloth diaper but I also have payed attention to the mentality and lack of education with the nuns and care takers.  Everything from calling an Autistic girl, "mental" to telling a child that his family did not want him.I'm quite disgusted with the way these babies are mentally abused.

Getting to the orphanage on Friday morning, I could already hear the cries of multiple children.  I walked in the door and it was yet again, complete chaos.  I picked up the nearest crying baby and tried to gather the others to the playroom.Vishna, the crying baby, screamed if I sat him down for a second.  So that baby stayed on my hip the whole day...  The two twin girls cried and fought the entire time and the Carribean nun made sure to give her two cents about everything. 

I saw through the barred door that the autistic girl (no one knows her name) wanted in the playroom.  I excitedly went to let her in and told her to come have fun.  The Carribean nun stopped me and told me no.  She said, "that girl mental!  Do not let her in!  She'll rip and make mess.  She not right in head.  She mental!"  She yelled at the girl and forced her down the stairs.  I was furious and came close to yelling at the nun.  Instead, I politley said, "She's not mental.  She has autism and she just  needs more care.  I was ignored so I went back to giving Vishna attention.  Vishna is the baby I wrote of in a past post.  He was found on the streets 2 weeks ago. 

While entertaining the kids, A one yr old boy came to play.  One of the twin girls came after and he got upset and attempted to bite her.  Caribbean nun spanked him and told him to get away.  I gave him a stern look and he walked toward me.  He obviously needed attention, so I said "no bite" and that he could play.  Caribbean told me not to give him attention.  Argh! 

After playtime (a measly 30 minutes), we went downstairs.  I changed diapers, sang songs and avoided Caribbean.  There was a 2 year old boy constantly sobbing his eyes out.  Apparently he had just been dropped off in the morning.  Lovely.  So this poor, malnurished baby was scared and sad.  He had a small towel that he had brought from home.  A Cambodian worker tried taking it from him and got annoyed when he cried for it.  He was a mess and obviously did not want to eat.  She tried forcing him to and finally another volunteer stepped in.  When he calmed down Caribbean came waddling in to try and feed the child.  He refused her as well, so she said, "your family didn't want you.  What do you expect us to do?  Your family not want you so now you here."  Ugh!!

After not getting enough attention, the Autistic girl wet herself.  With Vishna glued to my hip, I stripped her, bathed her and looked for clean clothes.  A Cambodian woman took over and forcefully put the clothes on and then pushed her away. 

I worry for the childrens' mental health.  Clean clothes and food can only care for a child so much.  The kids need positivity and they need professional care.  There is such hypocracy running through the orphanage walls.  They have posters of Jesus which teach patience, no shame and tollerance towards children.  It's time they practice what they preach. 

Feeding the Street Children

Up on the roof again!  It's 9:00pm and I'm two rum-filled drinks deep.  A large group of us are booking our trip to Siem Reap tomorrow.  I had the day off from Maria Teresa.The nuns have prayer on Thursdays so volunteers and visitors are not allowed at the orphanage.  My roommate said I could tag along with her to her placement.  I jumped on the opportunity and headed out early this morning. 

Alexa works at a soup kitchen type place that feeds street children.  They get breakfast, lunch and these drinks that taste like bubble gum.  Mothers can bring their infants and get much needed formula. 

Once the hungry kids started pouring in for their food, I got a very close look at their dispair.  Most of them were filthy and had had on smelly, old clothes.  I'm now ashamed for thinking that the kids at my orphanage have it bad.  At least my babies have clean clothes, get bathed and get plenty of love and food.  The street children live in total poverty.  Most do not attend school and are forced to dig through garbage just to find glass bottles.  Kids as young as 4 years old ride their bikes great distances to receive a meal. 

It was tough to be affectionate with the children because of their filth.  But when a little girl with tattered clothing and unclean hair wants a hug, there is no way to refuse.  You smile, hug them and make their life better.  The meals were a bit chaotic.  The cook, (a nice lady/man) tells you whether the serving is for a small child or large child.  It was so hard giving a starving kid a tiny chicken wing and cup of rice.  The experince will haunt me for a while but make me appreciate everything I have.

After meals, we got to play games and draw with the children until they had to leave.  I taught a girl how to draw different things and she loved it.  It's amazing how universal art is.  I watched another girl write, "I love you" in both English and Khmer.  She was holding her 2 year old sister who definitely had CP.  The little sister flopped about and looked around aimlessly.  Other volunteers said they doubted that she had ever seen a doctor.  The big sister (maybe 6yrs old) carried the girl around as if she were a doll.  It broke my heart.  I was glad when we ended our day at 1:30.  The girls and I packed our towels, threw on our suits and headed to the stadium pool. 

We joked the whole way that the pool would probably be closed.  We got there and......  I don't wanna talk about it....  Let's just say we ended up in the city for rasberry lime daquiris and super sweet mai tais. 

Now, my eyelids are heavy and I need some sleep.  Goodnight everyone hope your day is swell and full of love, food and mai tais. 

First Day at Maria Theresa

I'm sitting on the roof of the volunteer house, having just finished lunch.  I go back to my placement at 2:30.  This morning was full of getting to know the children, wiping noses, feeding, playing and rocking.  Right now I need to reflect and take everything in.
When Katie and I entered the orphanage, we looked around at the dirty walls and metal bars.  There were religious photos placed about and a steep staircase.  When we could finally go up to see the kids, we climbed to the second story and a nun opened the metal door.  Almost immediately a little todler named Simone, with Downs Syndrome came running up to me.  He hugged me and held my hand.  Dragging me to the barred window he climbed on his metal bed and pointed out the window to a bird.  He stuck his hands through the bars and screamed with excitement.  I made chirping noises and whistled for him.  He laughed and continued smiling with pure bliss.  After leaving his hand, I looked around and tried to take everything in.  The 2 children in stollers that were frothing from their mouths, clearly had Cerebal Palsy.  The older one twisted his body with a pained look in his eyes.  Some of the other children were running and laughing and trying to show us everything.  Out of the corner of my eye I saw a baby sitting up in her blue-barred crib.  He was quietly crying and looking around.  I picked him up and he immediately rested his head on my chest and the tears stopped.  I rocked him and swayed side to side until it was time to meet the head nun, Miss Lilly.  Another nun tried to grab the baby from me but he cried and held to me like glue.She said, "he don't want to leave mama."  Finally separating us, the baby screamed and it took everything not to cry.  I later learned that the baby was taken from the streets just 2 weeks ago. 
Katie and I climbed another flight of stairs to a small room.  Miss Lilly introduced herself and and kindly smiled.  She is from India and has been a nun for 25 years.  She had thought I was staying 6 months but was content with me staying 6 weeks.We were told when lunch was and what times we needed to be there.  After the introduction we walked back down to the children.
The Cambodian women working there told us to put the todlers in a small room while they cleaned up their cookie mess.  It was tiny and hot, with a metal bed lined with a thin mattress and a bunk bed.  The children were definitley testing us and trying to get away with everything.  One boy kept climbing on a stool and trying to open a cupboard.  I took took it and put it on the top bunk.  He climbed up to it and would not come down.  Then another boy climbed up.  Keep in mind that all while this was going on,I was trying to listen to Simone tell me about the pictures and had a baby on my hip.  Thankfully Miss Lilly came in.  Those boys hopped off that bunk as if their lives depended on it!
Next was play time.  This was absolute chaos until more volunteers showed up.  Then it was just mildly chaotic.  A girl with Autism wanted to do nothing but rip books and paper.  We were warned not to let her do this.  Some of the children were looking at a book of animals.  A four year old boy (who looks 2 years old) could speak English and say the animal names.  Then the autistic girl came and snatched the book...  I yelled "NO" in Khmer and chased after her as she tore the animals in half.  I felt so bad for the other children because it was pretty much the nicest thing they had. 
Getting a closer look, I saw how dirty the babies and todlers were.  Their hands and feet were filty and their ears looks disgusting.  Most had dandruf and I'm suspecting lice as well.  They are sweaty from the heat and have cloth diapers, so it's very hard to tell when they've wet themselves. 
At lunch, the kids returned down to the second story.  They ate rice with cabbage, carrots and what looked like chicken.  It seemed as though they had plenty to eat.  They were given seconds and even thirds, if they pleased.  I sat at the low table and helped a small boy (probably 2), eat his meal.  After lunch they received tangerine wedges and then it was time for baths and naps.  The kids were barely hosed off, then placed in "clean" clothes.  I rubbed a child's back who has CP and brushed his hair from his forehead.  He squirmed and drooled but I think he appreciated the touch and affection.
So, now, as I try and bare this heat, I'm feeling no regret whatsoever.  I cannot wait to see what the next 5 weeks bring and I cannot wait to buy the children new toys and supplies.  They absolutely love this ripped and tattered disney princess tent and these cheap knock-off legos.  I wish I could spoil all these babies and make their pain go away.  I'll try my best and keep my hopes up. 

Dragon Fruit

Cambodia definitely has no shortage on amazingly fresh fruit.  Whether it's mango, pineapple, rose apple, tangerine or banana, it's all so ripe and flavorful.  I have yet to taste durian but I plan to by the end of my stay.  Supposedly it smells as strong as cheese but my roommate assures me it's yummy.  Since being here my favorite fruits have been the mango and dragon fruit.  I cannot get enough of it! 

Orientation

Today was orientation at the volunteer house.  We had a short history lesson on the rooftop and learned some important Khmer phrases.  The only ones I can remember is muy, pii, bei (1,2,3) and buy (rice).  I guess I better practice some more...  All of us volunteers learned our placements.  Some girls got placed as far as Siem Reap and Pursat.  I'm glad I'm staying in Phnom Penh.  It's more centrally located and I've made quite a few friends.  I am placed at an orphanage for smaller children.  It's called The Mother Teresa Orphanage.It's called Maria Theresa.  I was told it's more playing with the children and feeding them.  I'm really excited.  At this point I could give a crap that it's a religion-based orphanage.  I'm just ready to start helping the babies.  :)

After the lessons on the rooftop, we ate a fresh lunch of bell pepper, mango salad, rice and cabbage soup.Soooo good.  Once our tummies were full, we hopped on a bus and started our tour of Phnom Penh.  I got a look at the more established parts of the city.  Phnom Penh has cleaner areas with lots of wealth.  But the gap between the wealthy and poor is incredibly big.  I believe they said 90% of the population are farmers.  The first stop was at the stadium.  It was HUGE and as scary as it were big.  I tried really hard to conceal my fear of heights...  I think I did okay.  

Next we traveled to the S21 Museum.This is where Pol Pot and the Khmer Rouge regime tortured their victims before sending them to the killing fields.  It was disturbing to say the least.  The empty metal beds, the photos of pain and the blood-stained concrete made me feel sick.  I think I've had enough of Pol Pot and his disgusting imprint on the country. I'm ready to focus only on the beauty of Cambodia.

We finished our tour at the Russian Markets.  It reminded me of the markets in Mexico, only bigger, more "fragrant" and cheap!  I bought a silk scarf, a light pullover and some pants for just around 6 dollars.  I talked them down just a bit.  I'll be a pro at purchasing from the markets in no time.  By the time we left, the dress I was wearing was soaked with sweat.  We came home and immediately washed our feet and faces. 

Tonight we are going to have a BBQ on the rooftop.  I'm so tired, I hope I sleep well.  Last night I had a nightmare that a half man was crawling like a crab up the stairs to my room.  Analyze that one for me, Freud.

A Walk to the Market and a Stop at the "Palace"

After coming home from the killing fields, I washed my feet.  I think little ants had been biting my toes because they were quite itchy.  I let the cold water drown my swollen feet for a while. 

Around 12, we ate lunch.  New volunteers had just arrived.  A boy from Portugal (haven't quite grasped his name yet) and Katie from Canada.Lunch was super yummy.  We had rice, carrots, ripe tomatoes, onions and beef.  I didn't eat the beef.  I'm just not ready for THAT kind of adventure yet. 

After lunch Katie from Canada, Portugal boy, Alexa from Singapore, Nikki from Australia and I... left for the Central Market.  Wow.  In the lovely 100 degree weather you can imaging the smells that lingered.  Lots of raw meat hanging with flies swarming.  There were different parts of fish everywhere and loads of interesting kabobs. 

We continued through the market and found the Mekong River (or so we thought).  I was excited, I thought we might get to dip our tired feet in...Well, remember that frothy stench-filled water I was telling you about?  Imagine that times a million.  No sir were my creepy long toes touching that water. 

We continued walking and came across what we thought was the Royal Palace.  Turns out it was just a Pagoda (place of worship).  We entered the pagoda and saw a monk.We were very quiet while our bare feet tip toed around.  By 4pm the heat really started getting to me.  Somehow we managed to find our tuk tuk driver and get home.

Now, having just showered, I'm more than ready for a nap.  I'm exhausted, sun-kissed and already sweaty.  I hope dinner is early tonight.  Orientation is tomorrow and I'll finally find out my placement Each day keeps getting more exciting! 

Journey to Genocide

The heat was so unbearable last night that I hardly got any sleep.  I kept waking up drenched in sweat.  We rose pretty early, took cool showers and grabbed a quick breakfast.  Nutella on white bread with fresh fruit.  Yum.  Our Aussie friends Tim and Laura were off, so we said our goodbyes and headed out.
Around 10 we caught a tuk tuk ride to the Killing fields.  The journey was definitely interesting.  There seems to be absolutely no rules when it comes to Cambodian driving.  People go as they please and honk their horns nonstop.  The poverty was incredibly worse than anything I've ever seen.  Trash fills the streets and wild dogs roam aimlessly.  Amongst it all, the Cambodian people seem happy.  They go about their simple lives and let us tourists snap pictures of their despair.  Along the way we saw a river filled with froth and sludge.  Before we could think the smell hit our noses and triggered our gag reflexes.  It was the most hideous odor.  Let me just say my dog's farts smell like roses compared to this.  After passing the stench-filled waterway, we finally reached our destination.  We paid 4 dollars and received our headset for the audio tour.

Nothing could have prepared me for the Killing Fields.  The large indentations of mass graves, the mounds of untouched sites and the tower of cracked and broken skulls brought tears to my eyes.  A space no bigger than my car was sectioned off.  Teeth and clothing still surface there during the wet season.  As I looked down I saw 2 adult teeth peeking out from the earth.  It sent shivers down my spine.
Further on the tour I saw a large tree standing alone.  When I got closer I could read the sign beneath it.  The tree had been used to kill infants.  Khmer Rouge soldiers would grab babies by their ankles and bash their heads against the trunk.  Once their skulls had been cracked, they were thrown in a ditch.  Tourists and locals have placed bracelets all around the area.  Alexa and I finished the tour and walked quietly to our tuk tuk.

We were silent most of the way home... until... that smell...  that nasty, river of grime and filth attacked us again.  We gagged, laughed and gasped for air.

Ryan Gosling in Cambodia

Ok, so Ryan Gosling isn't really in Cambodia but 6 of us volunteers are watching DRIVE.  This makes me happy.  Even though I am getting eaten alive by god knows how many bugs, Ryan Gosling in Cambodia makes this okay. 
The power went out around 5pm.  We ate dinner in the dark as the motos (motorcycles) and tuk tuks raced by.  The volunteers that have been here for a while gave us pointers.  I guess it is extremely hard to get an UNhappy ending massage here.  The power returned and we started the movie. 

My roommate Alexa and I get along quite well.  She is the same age as me and confirmed for me that gum is not allowed in Singapore.   We both chatted, complained about the heat and took midday naps.  I woke up drenched in sweat so I took a shower to cool down.  Even if the house had hot water, I wouldn't use it.  Tomorrow we are planning to explore the nearby markets and town.  Both of us agree that we need to buy better clothes and the markets will be the best place for this.  It amazes me how much... wait this is a good Gosling part.  Oh wow he's so dreamy.  Even Tim, my Aussie friend says Gosling is sexy.  Tim says, "Ryan Gosling is so fit."  Ok, what was I saying?  Right, It amazes me what a difference a day can make.  Yesterday seemed like the end of my life and today feels like the start. 

3rd Thoughts

Today I awoke queasy but refreshed (if that makes any sense).  I made myself get out of bed and go down for breakfast.  An Aussie volunteer named Tim offered me some of his veggiemite sandwich.  I held back a chuckle and kindly refused.  I nibbled on a tiny banana and a slice of white bread.
After breakfast, I unpacked my clothes, febreezed my room and made my bed.  I had lunch with a Trevor from Canada and we chatted for a while.  My roommate just arrived.  Her name is Alexa and she's from Singapore. 
I just realized that no one is wearing shoes.  It totally slipped my mind that i shouldn't be wearing them in the house...  whoops.

Second Thoughts

Yesterday was very tough.  After promptly being picked up from the airport, I took a 45 minute tuk tuk (a motorcyle with a carriage attached) ride to the volunteer house.  Riding through the dust-filled streets, I saw things I had never before seen.  The poverty, the animal cruelty and the horrible driving made my eyes and brain hurt.
A few girls said hi to me when I entered the house and then I was shown my room.  After climbing 3 stories, I entered my living space and immediately felt sick and overwhelmed.  The first thing that came to mind was, "how am I going to make it?"  I honestly thought of booking a flight home right then.  My room is small, smoldering and has no window to the outside.  I was alone, afraid and cluesless in Cambodia.  I shut the door, layed down on my bed and cried until I couldn't cry anymore.  I took some Xanax but even that didn't help.  I tried coming downstairs to socialize with the other volunteers but they were busy planning their trip to Siem Reap and didn't have much time for me.  So, I went back to my sauna - I mean room....  I proceeded to sleep through lunch and dinner.  Around 2:00am, I got up, took a cold shower, brushed my teeth and put my pjs on.  I crawled back in bed and tried to calm myself down.  This was happening and I had to suck it up and deal with it.  Closing my eyes, I hoped things would get better.

Changed Direction

Since my dad's suicide, I have felt extremely lost.  His death has made me question my life, my dreams, my needs and my beliefs.  It is easy for me to laugh and put on a happy face, but inside I feel agony.  One thing that helps the pain is thinking, "it could always be worse."  I think of the horrible situations others have lived through and it stops me from feeling sorry for myself.  It's easy to be selfish and to take life for granted.  But when someone close to you takes their own life, it makes you ask yourself what's worth living for.  I don't want to waste my life because I know how precious my time is.  I'm not religious yet my morals are strong and I stand for what I believe to be fair and right.  This perspective made me come to the decision about volunteering.

About a month ago, I finally promised myself I would help those less fortunate.  I convinced my amazing mother to fund my trip in lieu of another semester at college.  Some might cringe at the thought of my leaving a university but I see Cambodia as a real life education.  Whatever the opinions may be, I am happy with my decision.  After a very long time, I feel I have a purpose. 

I picked IVHQ (International Volunteer Headquarters) as the organization to go with.  I wanted to go somewhere that I knew nothing about.  I chose Cambodia after one day of research and I booked my flight a week later.  I will find out the orphanage which I will be volunteering at in 3 weeks.  I have now read many books and articles on the country, watched movies and talked with past visitors.  Cambodia will be my adventure of a lifetime.  I plan on giving as much help as I can to this country and its people.  In 5 weeks, my life will change.  I will leave my family, my animals, my comfort, and my country.  I will travel over 7,900 miles across the world.  My stomach is filled with butterflies and my heart is filled with hope.

Cheers to life changing experiences.  Cheers to my dad.  Cheers to precious life.  Cheers to Cambodia.