My birthday in Cambodia has been pretty uneventful. It's no ones fault but my own. The other volunteers tried to make my day and night wild but I caught a case of the lazies/depressies and couldn't shake it off. I'm a tad disappointed in myself but there's always next year.
I woke up around 5am to leave for Sihanoukville. I was groggy, cranky and didn't want to open my heavy eyelids. Finally forcing myself out of bed, I took a quick, cold shower and met Nikki downstairs. She looked in the shame shape I was. We complained about various things, ate peanut butter on bread and headed out to catch a tuk tuk.
The bus ride was as boring and dirty as expected. I tried to sleep through most of it which was hard with the Cambodian Karaoke blaring in my ear. When we arrived in Sihanoukville, it was hard finding an honest tuk tuk driver. They all seemed to be over charging and were quite rude. My bad mood went to worst mood and I just wanted to get to the hotel. Thankfully we grabbed a driver with a fair fare.
The hotel (more like motel) was better than I expected. It had a clean pool, hot water and air conditioning. What more could a girl ask for? At 12 dollars a night, this place would do just fine.
Nikki and I spent the day lounging by the pool, sipping on banana shakes and reading. THIS is how I wanted my birthday. When it came time to shower and get ready to meet up with the others, my tummy sunk and I felt weird. I thought it was from too much sun but had a feeling it was something else. Something eating away at me and ruining my chance for happiness on my birthday.I told myself to snap out of it and to grow the hell up. So much easier said than done.
All dressed up, we started our 3 min stoll to the beach. Wearing all black with a dark purple purse probably wasn't the wisest of choices. The road was dark and empty and I got an eerie feeling walking down it. When we did walk past people, 9 times out of 10, it was an old white guy with a young, Cambodian prostitute. This didn't help my sick feeling.
The ocean was calm and the beach was dirty. Lot's of wild dogs, pained by breeding, with red, sore nipples, trying to find scraps of food. The children were almost as bad as the dogs when it came to scavanging something to eat. One boy, asked me to buy a bracelet as he longingly stared at my almost untouched bowl of rice. After he left, Nikki asked me how my birthday was going. I finally opened up and told her about my dad, about the suicide and about my birthday. My throat felt tight and my eyes squinted but I bit my cheek and forced myself not to cry. After the painful conversation, Nikki understood why I wasn't ecstatic about my day.
Leaving the table, I fondled my purse zipper to find that it was open. My purse was open and my wallet was gone! I immediately blamed the hungry children from dinner. They were sitting close and they were sneaky. At this point I was thinking, "That's it, I give up! Fuck my birthday and fuck Cambodia." "Wait," I thought. "Did you bring your wallet out with you?" It was a lonnnng walk back to the hotel and a struggle with the key to the door. As I turned on the light, there it was. Sitting right where I had left it. Beaming toward me and mocking me at the same time. Nice one Em, are you done being a fool?
Now, curled up in bed, freezing from the air conditioning and watching a Tom Cruise film, I'm ready to call it a night. Thank you to everyone who attempted to make this day great. It just wasn't in the cards. My mental block has not yet come down. Neither home nor Cambodia can cure this broken heart. All I can hope for is mending. I really do try to be positive and I really do try to move on. I guess I just need more time... and perhaps a new birthday...
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