Goodbye Cambodia, I'll miss you.

My last days in Phnom Penh were memorable yet depressing.  Saying goodbye to the children was very difficult.  I felt little comfort in the fact that they were either too young or too disabled to understand my leaving.  After six weeks, I felt as though I began to earn their trust.  The kids knew what to expect from me and I knew what to expect from them.  Six weeks may not be a lengthy time but I had fallen head over heals for each child.  Now, all I can think about is how to go back.  How can I keep helping them?  I gave them all of me but then I left so suddenly.  It isn't fair to the children but I hope my love and care will last in their hearts.

Friday night before leaving, Stephan, Nuno, Emily and I went to the mall.  We ate fast food then watched a movie.  We ordered too much popcorn and ate it loudly during "Battleship."  The movie was exactly what we had expected it to be.  Good, American, Corny Action.  When we got home, I went up to my warm room and repacked my suitcase.  My mind was going a mile a minute and I could barely focus on my simple task of folding clothes.  I couldn't believe how quickly six weeks had passed and I truly did not want to leave.  After packing, I took a long cool shower then slipped into pajamas.  I tried blogging but my fingers were stiff and my mind was scrambled.  I fell asleep and I awoke too soon.

Lugging my million pound suitcase down 3 flights of stairs was no easy task.  Thank goodness for my manly shoulders and brute strength.  I ate a peanut butter and nutella sandwich and drank a large glass of water.  Emily came down stairs and I gave her a few beauty supplies that I was leaving behind.  I followed her to her room and hung out on the empty bed while she packed for Thailand.  We chatted until the power went out then quickly went downstairs before it got too hot.  Nuno, Stephan and Gabriel were waiting at the table.  Everyone was pretty quiet apparently tired. 

I gave a bottle of wine to the host family and staff along with a thank you note.  They gave me a small box with a gift.  (later opened it in the airport to find some fancy Cambodian nail clippers inside).  Oh Cambodia.  I had stalled enough and it was finally time for me to leave.  I held back tears and hugged everyone goodbye.  My tuk tuk driver loaded my suitcase and I was off.  By the time I reached the end of the street, the tears were flowing freely.  I wished for an incredibly long tuk tuk ride to the airport.  It wasn't quick but it wasn't long enough either.  I wanted to hold my babies one last time.  I wanted to cuddle with Sam Nang, practice colors with Van Hon or say the alphabet with Keo.  I arrived at the airport and before I knew it, I was boarding the plane.

After a long day of flying, I slowly made my way through SFO customs and then received my luggage.  I walked the long hallway and as I turned the corner I spotted my mom and granny.  Ahh, I was finally back in the states and I couldn't wait to see my animals.  We met Lance for dinner and then headed home.  I greeted my dog, my cats, and chubby rats.  I took a warm shower and crawled into bed.  I closed my eyes and hoped I would wake up from the dream.  I wanted to be home... in Phnom Penh, Cambodia.

How to recycle a dead cockroach

I'm in my bed, half naked, eating potato chips and thinking about my amazing day.  I may regret eating chips in bed when I'm rolling around on crumbs all night but right now, this hits the spot. 

I'm starting to get butterflies in my tummy about leaving Cambodia.  I mean, it's either buttflies or that mystery meat I ate.  Neither would surprise me.  Just as long as whatever it is, it doesn't send me to the bathroom.  There is a cockroach in my bathroom and I've named him Edgar.  Sometimes he gets too close for comfort but I've let him claim that space.  My Edgar may have it good but his cousins at the orphanage do not.  They get sprayed with pestisides and kept in a small container.  Sopia is deathly afraid of bugs.  When Sopia doesn't want to eat, the Cambodian women take Edgar's dead cousins and threaten Sopia with them until he eats.  It's very cruel and causing lord knows what kind of psychological damage.  But... at least the cockroaches are being recycled?

During lunch break, I wanted to get out of the house.  I couldn't stand one more bowl of rice and I was craving fast food.  Yhosi (Venezuala) and Ida (Amsterdam) followed me to the mall for some Lucky Burger, frozen yogurt and best of all AIR CONDITIONING.  We stuffed ourselves until we were sick then headed upstairs to the toy store.  I bought my babies a new bike.  It would pair perfectly with the tubs of q-tips I purchased for them.  My goal for the afternoon was to let the children play and clean their ears as well.

The bicycle was a complete success. The children were great about sharing and even better about cleaning their ears.  I let them pick two q-tips and dip them into soapy water.  It was tough but I managed to clean all the childrens' ears.  They went from black and crusty to being a golden Cambodian brown.  I was happy with the results and the children were happy to be clean.

Many of the children are sick right now.  So on top of ear cleaning was a lot of nose cleaning.  I knew I was completely comfortable with the orphanage when I was picking boogers out of an infant's nose with my fingers, no problem.  I've been peed on, pooped on, spat on, bled on, snot on and I would turn around and do it all again in an instant.

Leaving them on Friday is going to be tough.  They are too young to make the connection that when I say goodbye that time, it will be be for good.  I'm already thinking of ways to come back.  I miss them even when I'm away for a day.  No matter how bratty or smelly the can be, I still want them near.  Yep, this is going to be really, really hard.

...woops!  I left my bathroom door open.  If Edgar got out, I'm gonna flip.  I better clean the chip crumbs off my bed.

A Thank You Letter

Dear Mom,

Words cannot describe the gratitude I have for you.  You make my world whole and I will be forever grateful for everything you have done.Without you, I would not have had the strength to come to Cambodia.  Without you, I would not have had the sense of humor to overcome the sense of sadness.  You keep me afloat when I feel like drowning.Without you, I would not be me.

You will never know the effect this journey has had on my soul.  I learned more than I thought possible and I loved more than I could have imagined.  It has made me appreciate all I have and made me believe anything is possible. 

Our hearts will always have holes from Dad's suicide.  It was tragic and turned our lives upside down.  I will struggle with the death for the rest of my life.  I lost a father and you lost a great love too soon.  It hurts and always will but please know that however sad we are, we will survive.  Life is random and not always fair but in the end, let's hope that the good has outweighed the bad.

From now on when I feel sorry for myself, I will think of my babies at Maria Teresa.  I will think of the starving street children with smiles on their faces, making the most of a shit situation.  I will think of their pain and push forward.  I promise to keep myself in check and work hard not to be selfish.

The end of this trip is the start of a new life.  I will say goodbye to Cambodia but only for a short while.  I will return and give more of myself to this country.  Thank you for this opportunity, Mom.  I have more love than hate in my heart and it's all because of you.  I hope that one day I can be a mother like you. 

Love always and forever,

Your not so clueless daughter

Emily: motorbike rider

Waking this morning, I had 3 things on my brain.  1) where did all these bug bites come from?  2) I need to ride a motorbike.  3)  I need to see Hunger Games.  After showering and putting ointment on my bites, I made the decision to go to the movies.  I couldn't wait any longer to see Hunger Games.  I thought I would kill two birds with one stone by calling Mr. SEE to drive me to the theater.  I rang my driver and asked him to bring his motorbike.

My legs were shaking as I sat in wait for Mr. SEE.  This was going to be my first time on a motorcycle and of course it had to be in Phnom Penh.  Phnom Penh where motorbike accidents kill more people than land mines.  I was nervous and excited all at once.  Then he pulled up.  I said goodbye to the girls and joked about probably falling off the bike.

I saddled the moto while saying hello to my kind driver.  I probably got a little too close for his comfort and told him it was my first time.  He laughed and said he would go slow and not to worry but I told him to go fast.  We set off and he quickly picked up speed.  This bike had power.  With a huge grin on my face, we swerved in and out of traffic, barely missing other bikes and tuk tuks.  After crossing a few intersections at top speed, without looking, I thought perhaps a helmet should be on my head.  I scooted closer until my chest was touching his sweaty back.  He told me not to worry.  I relaxed and put trust in my experienced driver.

Arriving at the City Mall, I got off the bike with shaky knees and a huge smile.  I paid him and felt a bit naughty doing so.  I loved it.  We said our goodbyes and I went on to my movie.  The movie times on the website were completely wrong.  Hunger Games wasn't starting for another 4 hours.  Instead of pouting, I just got a ticket to A Cabin in the Woods.  It was a hilarious horror movie that I had never heard of.  Totally worth the 3 dollars.  After, I had lunch and finshed my book.  I headed back to the theater and watched Hunger Games.  Amazing.

When I came out of the mall, It was dark.  I was a little nervous catching a random tuk tuk by myself but I managed.  I made sure my driver had a number plate and no alcohol on his breath.  Got home safely to a house full of friendly volunteers.  Serei made more dinner for me and I graciously accepted the meal. 

My final weekend in Cambodia has come to an end.  No more excursions.  No more welcome dinners.  No more late Saturday nights in this beautiful city.  Only 4 more days with my babies.  This is going to be harder than I thought.  How do I say goodbye to all the people I love? 

A girl who needs to get her "tough" back

I don't like to think I'm being a weenie, I like to think I'm being smart.  But as I rode the tuk tuk home tonight with a knife in hand, I felt like a weenie.  Nikki (fully recovered from her incident) told me she wants me to get my tough back.  Although, after everything, I honestly don't think that's going to happen.  I'm not shutting myself in.  I still go out at night but I'm a lot more aware and a bit more paranoid.

My last weekend has been spent in Phnom Penh.  The house is quiet with most volunteers traveling.  It's actually pleasant with a hint of spooky at night.  Today, Nikki and I walked, shopped, tuk tuked, shopped, ate and talked.  After a rigorous girl's day, we continued with seeing Titanic in 3D.  Oh boy, did I cry.  I'm missing the cool air conditioned theater.  It's smoldering in my room and my bed is already damp with sweat.

Tomorrow I plan to go to the pool.  A last hurrah to try and beat the heat.  102 degrees with 70% humidity is starting to get on my last nerve.
Regardless of heat,  I've done almost everything I've wanted to do in Cambodia except ride a motorcycle.  Though, I plan on losing my motorbike 'V' this week.  I've chosen Mr. See (a friend of the volunteer house), to be my first.  He has a big motorbike and the other girls say he goes fast but he's safe...  I'll let you all know the details of how it goes. 

Now, time for sleep.  Time for sweet dreams about Leonardo DiCaprio and Mr. See?

Punch Dancing

Ahhh, my roommate has gone and I have deep cleaned my room.  I feel very productive on this long lunch hour.  I have a week to myself... A week to sleep naked. 

I'm still glowing from my yesterday adventures.  Having Thursdays off has been a real treat.  However, yesterday, was the ULTIMATE treat.  I had planned on staying at nice hotel for my last couple nights but then I found Bodia Spa.  Yhosi (Venezuala) and I entered the oasis and decided to splurge.  We got the top package and after 4 hours of being pampered, we had been reborn.  Who wouldn't be happy with a full body massage, mango facial, body scrub, steam bath, spa filled with hundreds of petals, body mosturizing and pedicure?  It was amazing and I think I made the right choice! 

The new group at the house really enjoys the nightlife.  We have been going nonstop.  Pretty much work all day, party all night.  After our spa day, Yhosi and I came home, changed, ate, and headed out.  We went to a rooftop bar, played pool and had margaritas....  well... I had margaritas while the others drank beer and sweet cocktails.  Yuck.

As I was ordering a drink, talking to Nuno and "punch" dancing to 'Everybodys working for the weekend,' a cutie walked up to me.  He laughed and said, "wow, you're just really gonna go for it!"  I noticed an accent and my ears and those two things that jellyfish like to sting perked up.  He asked where I was from and I asked the same.  He then proceeded to tell me his origin.  Born in Barcelona and lives in England.  Whoa, I hit the backpacker jackpot.  After a bit of chatting, we parted ways and he told me we would talk later. 

I returned to the group and told everyone about my hottie.  We split into different conversations and Yhosi and I had a deep talk.  I learned that her boyfriend's mom committed suicide.  We discussed it and talked about my dad.  It's crazy how this world works and how tiny connections mean so much.  When we had enough of death talk, we played pool.  I was a total hustler and midgame, Barcelona Boy came to ask if we wanted to play doubles.  Because I am so socially awkward, I told him, "only if you punch dance."  He laughed but eventually started dancing.  No one can resist a good, weird dance.  So, we played and talked some more, and then parted ways again to return to our groups. 

Other Emily (England), asked who the guy was.  I told her and she got super excited he lived in her hometown.  She asked if I was single and I of course said yes.  Then she said, "oh, nevermind then."  She obviously wanted to get with him so I responded, "I'm single but he wont be getting anything from me, so you mine as well go after him."  She and I both didn't get how bad that made her sound.  She headed his way. 

More margaritas, more pool and Barcelona Boy kept finding his way back.  It was a self esteem boost, if anything.  Finally around 3am, our group headed home.  It was a great night and even greater that it didn't end with a weird tuk tuk driver.  And even even greater that it didn't end with regret. 

My last week in Cambodia and I WILL be making the most of it.  Even if that means punch dancing and punch dancing some more.

Note:  punch dancing is simply clenching your hands into fists and literally just punching air to the beat of music.  Yes, it is as sexy as it sounds...

Happy Pizza with a not so Happy Ending

Ready to come home.

Tonight was great until the end.  A huge group of us went for happy pizza (really weak but good pizza) and then played pool.  Afterward, I went to negotiate a  couple of tuk tuk drivers for us to get home.  We had these two sleezey ones that wanted too much money.  I wanted to walk away but the group was tired and didnt feel like bartering.  So i went in the tuk tuks because i didnt want to break from the group.

On our ride home, the mood got weird and things didnt seem right.  The guy was swerving and taking us the wrong way.  He wasnt following the other tuk tuk.  We asked him to stop and he laughed and said, "No."  We kept asking him and we made up a story about leaving a friend behind.Finally he stopped when we said we would give him lots of money.

We threw a 10 at him (lots of money to him) and ran to the only open shop on a deserted block.  Thankfully a woman there spoke English and called a taxi for us. 
I'm home now but a little freaked out.I'm ready to come home and I'm glad it's only a week left.

I hate having to look over my shoulder all the time and worry about everything.  Seriously, Cambodia, it's a love/hate relationship.