How to recycle a dead cockroach

I'm in my bed, half naked, eating potato chips and thinking about my amazing day.  I may regret eating chips in bed when I'm rolling around on crumbs all night but right now, this hits the spot. 

I'm starting to get butterflies in my tummy about leaving Cambodia.  I mean, it's either buttflies or that mystery meat I ate.  Neither would surprise me.  Just as long as whatever it is, it doesn't send me to the bathroom.  There is a cockroach in my bathroom and I've named him Edgar.  Sometimes he gets too close for comfort but I've let him claim that space.  My Edgar may have it good but his cousins at the orphanage do not.  They get sprayed with pestisides and kept in a small container.  Sopia is deathly afraid of bugs.  When Sopia doesn't want to eat, the Cambodian women take Edgar's dead cousins and threaten Sopia with them until he eats.  It's very cruel and causing lord knows what kind of psychological damage.  But... at least the cockroaches are being recycled?

During lunch break, I wanted to get out of the house.  I couldn't stand one more bowl of rice and I was craving fast food.  Yhosi (Venezuala) and Ida (Amsterdam) followed me to the mall for some Lucky Burger, frozen yogurt and best of all AIR CONDITIONING.  We stuffed ourselves until we were sick then headed upstairs to the toy store.  I bought my babies a new bike.  It would pair perfectly with the tubs of q-tips I purchased for them.  My goal for the afternoon was to let the children play and clean their ears as well.

The bicycle was a complete success. The children were great about sharing and even better about cleaning their ears.  I let them pick two q-tips and dip them into soapy water.  It was tough but I managed to clean all the childrens' ears.  They went from black and crusty to being a golden Cambodian brown.  I was happy with the results and the children were happy to be clean.

Many of the children are sick right now.  So on top of ear cleaning was a lot of nose cleaning.  I knew I was completely comfortable with the orphanage when I was picking boogers out of an infant's nose with my fingers, no problem.  I've been peed on, pooped on, spat on, bled on, snot on and I would turn around and do it all again in an instant.

Leaving them on Friday is going to be tough.  They are too young to make the connection that when I say goodbye that time, it will be be for good.  I'm already thinking of ways to come back.  I miss them even when I'm away for a day.  No matter how bratty or smelly the can be, I still want them near.  Yep, this is going to be really, really hard.

...woops!  I left my bathroom door open.  If Edgar got out, I'm gonna flip.  I better clean the chip crumbs off my bed.

A Thank You Letter

Dear Mom,

Words cannot describe the gratitude I have for you.  You make my world whole and I will be forever grateful for everything you have done.Without you, I would not have had the strength to come to Cambodia.  Without you, I would not have had the sense of humor to overcome the sense of sadness.  You keep me afloat when I feel like drowning.Without you, I would not be me.

You will never know the effect this journey has had on my soul.  I learned more than I thought possible and I loved more than I could have imagined.  It has made me appreciate all I have and made me believe anything is possible. 

Our hearts will always have holes from Dad's suicide.  It was tragic and turned our lives upside down.  I will struggle with the death for the rest of my life.  I lost a father and you lost a great love too soon.  It hurts and always will but please know that however sad we are, we will survive.  Life is random and not always fair but in the end, let's hope that the good has outweighed the bad.

From now on when I feel sorry for myself, I will think of my babies at Maria Teresa.  I will think of the starving street children with smiles on their faces, making the most of a shit situation.  I will think of their pain and push forward.  I promise to keep myself in check and work hard not to be selfish.

The end of this trip is the start of a new life.  I will say goodbye to Cambodia but only for a short while.  I will return and give more of myself to this country.  Thank you for this opportunity, Mom.  I have more love than hate in my heart and it's all because of you.  I hope that one day I can be a mother like you. 

Love always and forever,

Your not so clueless daughter

Emily: motorbike rider

Waking this morning, I had 3 things on my brain.  1) where did all these bug bites come from?  2) I need to ride a motorbike.  3)  I need to see Hunger Games.  After showering and putting ointment on my bites, I made the decision to go to the movies.  I couldn't wait any longer to see Hunger Games.  I thought I would kill two birds with one stone by calling Mr. SEE to drive me to the theater.  I rang my driver and asked him to bring his motorbike.

My legs were shaking as I sat in wait for Mr. SEE.  This was going to be my first time on a motorcycle and of course it had to be in Phnom Penh.  Phnom Penh where motorbike accidents kill more people than land mines.  I was nervous and excited all at once.  Then he pulled up.  I said goodbye to the girls and joked about probably falling off the bike.

I saddled the moto while saying hello to my kind driver.  I probably got a little too close for his comfort and told him it was my first time.  He laughed and said he would go slow and not to worry but I told him to go fast.  We set off and he quickly picked up speed.  This bike had power.  With a huge grin on my face, we swerved in and out of traffic, barely missing other bikes and tuk tuks.  After crossing a few intersections at top speed, without looking, I thought perhaps a helmet should be on my head.  I scooted closer until my chest was touching his sweaty back.  He told me not to worry.  I relaxed and put trust in my experienced driver.

Arriving at the City Mall, I got off the bike with shaky knees and a huge smile.  I paid him and felt a bit naughty doing so.  I loved it.  We said our goodbyes and I went on to my movie.  The movie times on the website were completely wrong.  Hunger Games wasn't starting for another 4 hours.  Instead of pouting, I just got a ticket to A Cabin in the Woods.  It was a hilarious horror movie that I had never heard of.  Totally worth the 3 dollars.  After, I had lunch and finshed my book.  I headed back to the theater and watched Hunger Games.  Amazing.

When I came out of the mall, It was dark.  I was a little nervous catching a random tuk tuk by myself but I managed.  I made sure my driver had a number plate and no alcohol on his breath.  Got home safely to a house full of friendly volunteers.  Serei made more dinner for me and I graciously accepted the meal. 

My final weekend in Cambodia has come to an end.  No more excursions.  No more welcome dinners.  No more late Saturday nights in this beautiful city.  Only 4 more days with my babies.  This is going to be harder than I thought.  How do I say goodbye to all the people I love? 

A girl who needs to get her "tough" back

I don't like to think I'm being a weenie, I like to think I'm being smart.  But as I rode the tuk tuk home tonight with a knife in hand, I felt like a weenie.  Nikki (fully recovered from her incident) told me she wants me to get my tough back.  Although, after everything, I honestly don't think that's going to happen.  I'm not shutting myself in.  I still go out at night but I'm a lot more aware and a bit more paranoid.

My last weekend has been spent in Phnom Penh.  The house is quiet with most volunteers traveling.  It's actually pleasant with a hint of spooky at night.  Today, Nikki and I walked, shopped, tuk tuked, shopped, ate and talked.  After a rigorous girl's day, we continued with seeing Titanic in 3D.  Oh boy, did I cry.  I'm missing the cool air conditioned theater.  It's smoldering in my room and my bed is already damp with sweat.

Tomorrow I plan to go to the pool.  A last hurrah to try and beat the heat.  102 degrees with 70% humidity is starting to get on my last nerve.
Regardless of heat,  I've done almost everything I've wanted to do in Cambodia except ride a motorcycle.  Though, I plan on losing my motorbike 'V' this week.  I've chosen Mr. See (a friend of the volunteer house), to be my first.  He has a big motorbike and the other girls say he goes fast but he's safe...  I'll let you all know the details of how it goes. 

Now, time for sleep.  Time for sweet dreams about Leonardo DiCaprio and Mr. See?

Punch Dancing

Ahhh, my roommate has gone and I have deep cleaned my room.  I feel very productive on this long lunch hour.  I have a week to myself... A week to sleep naked. 

I'm still glowing from my yesterday adventures.  Having Thursdays off has been a real treat.  However, yesterday, was the ULTIMATE treat.  I had planned on staying at nice hotel for my last couple nights but then I found Bodia Spa.  Yhosi (Venezuala) and I entered the oasis and decided to splurge.  We got the top package and after 4 hours of being pampered, we had been reborn.  Who wouldn't be happy with a full body massage, mango facial, body scrub, steam bath, spa filled with hundreds of petals, body mosturizing and pedicure?  It was amazing and I think I made the right choice! 

The new group at the house really enjoys the nightlife.  We have been going nonstop.  Pretty much work all day, party all night.  After our spa day, Yhosi and I came home, changed, ate, and headed out.  We went to a rooftop bar, played pool and had margaritas....  well... I had margaritas while the others drank beer and sweet cocktails.  Yuck.

As I was ordering a drink, talking to Nuno and "punch" dancing to 'Everybodys working for the weekend,' a cutie walked up to me.  He laughed and said, "wow, you're just really gonna go for it!"  I noticed an accent and my ears and those two things that jellyfish like to sting perked up.  He asked where I was from and I asked the same.  He then proceeded to tell me his origin.  Born in Barcelona and lives in England.  Whoa, I hit the backpacker jackpot.  After a bit of chatting, we parted ways and he told me we would talk later. 

I returned to the group and told everyone about my hottie.  We split into different conversations and Yhosi and I had a deep talk.  I learned that her boyfriend's mom committed suicide.  We discussed it and talked about my dad.  It's crazy how this world works and how tiny connections mean so much.  When we had enough of death talk, we played pool.  I was a total hustler and midgame, Barcelona Boy came to ask if we wanted to play doubles.  Because I am so socially awkward, I told him, "only if you punch dance."  He laughed but eventually started dancing.  No one can resist a good, weird dance.  So, we played and talked some more, and then parted ways again to return to our groups. 

Other Emily (England), asked who the guy was.  I told her and she got super excited he lived in her hometown.  She asked if I was single and I of course said yes.  Then she said, "oh, nevermind then."  She obviously wanted to get with him so I responded, "I'm single but he wont be getting anything from me, so you mine as well go after him."  She and I both didn't get how bad that made her sound.  She headed his way. 

More margaritas, more pool and Barcelona Boy kept finding his way back.  It was a self esteem boost, if anything.  Finally around 3am, our group headed home.  It was a great night and even greater that it didn't end with a weird tuk tuk driver.  And even even greater that it didn't end with regret. 

My last week in Cambodia and I WILL be making the most of it.  Even if that means punch dancing and punch dancing some more.

Note:  punch dancing is simply clenching your hands into fists and literally just punching air to the beat of music.  Yes, it is as sexy as it sounds...

Happy Pizza with a not so Happy Ending

Ready to come home.

Tonight was great until the end.  A huge group of us went for happy pizza (really weak but good pizza) and then played pool.  Afterward, I went to negotiate a  couple of tuk tuk drivers for us to get home.  We had these two sleezey ones that wanted too much money.  I wanted to walk away but the group was tired and didnt feel like bartering.  So i went in the tuk tuks because i didnt want to break from the group.

On our ride home, the mood got weird and things didnt seem right.  The guy was swerving and taking us the wrong way.  He wasnt following the other tuk tuk.  We asked him to stop and he laughed and said, "No."  We kept asking him and we made up a story about leaving a friend behind.Finally he stopped when we said we would give him lots of money.

We threw a 10 at him (lots of money to him) and ran to the only open shop on a deserted block.  Thankfully a woman there spoke English and called a taxi for us. 
I'm home now but a little freaked out.I'm ready to come home and I'm glad it's only a week left.

I hate having to look over my shoulder all the time and worry about everything.  Seriously, Cambodia, it's a love/hate relationship.

Sad babies and 80s music

As I walked into the orphanage today, my eyes immediately went to the new face.  A boy about one year old had a look of pure terror in his eyes.  He was holding on to a Cambodian worker when she shoved him into my arms. 

He cried and cried until I fed him and gave him a rattle.  The children all came to inspect him and they gave him kisses and hugs.  It was incredibly sweet but the baby kept looking around at all the strange new sights and sounds.  When I gave him water, he could barely drink out of a cup.  I got him a bottle and rocked him to sleep.  As soon as his eyes shut, one of the boys threw a tantrum and the noise startled the baby awake.  He would not stop crying for a while after that.  Finally, after countless attempts, he closed his eyes again.  With his head on my chest and hands near my neck, he slept until I left.  I wonder if he will still be there tomorrow because I miss him already.

After work, I came home, drank a cold Pepsi and ate a delicious dinner. I am getting a little tired of white rice though... just a little.  Even when we had finished dinner, my roommate and I craved french fries and frozen yogurt.  So, off to the mall we went.  A few other volunteers were going to a bar that played 80s music, so we met up with them after pigging out.

We had a few cocktails and listened to awesome tunes.  It reminded me of a club called Townhouse in Sacramento and made me miss my best friend.  Later, we went accross the street and played pool.  A nice ladyman took our drink orders and served us peanuts.  After a long day, I'm finally in bed and ready for sleep.  Only one more week in Cambodia.  Only one more week with my new friends.  Only one more week with my babies.  Yep, leaving is going to be hard...

"That's SO American"

New volunteers have started today.  I'm horrible with names but I'll eventually learn them.  There are two girls from southern Australia, a couple from Scotland and a guy from New Zealand.  I can feel the girls sniffing fresh meat.  I'll sit back and enjoy this show.

Tonight is the welcome dinner and I'm ready for some beers and Cambodian conversation.  I already joked with the two Cambodian project directors about getting drunk like last time.  They are so shy but they had big smiles and said yes.  So tonight should be interesting.  I think I'll wear a skirt and tube top and show off my pussy.......cat tattoo on my back.  This will be my last welcome dinner and I plan on making the most of it.

The stereotype people have about Americans is kind of sad but sometimes hilarious.  I have been told I have a very "California" accent.The other day, when I asked if people were excited for the Avengers movie coming out, Nuno said, "That's so American."  Well, if liking action movies with buff hotties is American.... then yes, I'm VERY American.  Having so many cultures in one house, makes for lots of excitement and it makes me want to travel more.  I feel like I've barely touched the tip of the travel iceberg.

Work was intense this morning.  Lot's of crying and hitting.  Van Hon decided I was the devil for making him clean up so he punched, slapped and kicked me.  I set him on his bed and told him to stop.  Of course he kept screaming and continued to hit.  When a Cambodian woman lookes over, he pointed at me as if I did something bad.  She smiled at me, walked over and spanked him.  Not my first choice but it wasn't my place to say something. 

My roommate Louise, who works with me decided not to go back to work this afternoon.  Hopefully the kids act civil for me since I will be by myself.  And hopefully Louise enjoys herself at the pool while I work...  I can't complain too much because I stayed home a couple days when I was sick.  It all evens out.

I have about 40 minutes left until lunch is over.  Definitely time to take a nap and rest up for the kiddies.  I wonder if I will get beat up again...

I've found my true calling - It's being naked in the ocean.

Koh Rong Island has left me breathless.  The white sand, the untouched jungle and the crystal clear water made me question my reality.  Was I really there?  Or was it all a dream?  I swam naked in the sea, drank tequila with a hot Aussie and smoked a joint (or two) with a scuba diver.  Whether dream or reality, I'm a changed girl.

"Well girls, if this is where we get split up and sold into slavery... It's been real."  Thankfully the group has the same sick sense of humor as me.  So when I joked about our impending doom at the ship yard, they all laughed.  We found our boat amongst the heavily polluted water and set forth toward heaven.

When my toes first touched the sand, shivers went up my spine.  Never in my life had I seen or felt sand like baby powder.  Ten feet from the ocean stood my bungalow.  It took a bit of adjusting with the red ants, no shower and mosquito nets.  However, the beach at my doorstep made it worthwhile.  The first night, we drank red wine and ice cold beers while watching the waves crash.  We went to bed at a reasonable hour and woke up to the sound of roosters crowing the next morning. 

For breakfast I had a pancake with fresh lime and sugar.  Everyone was shocked that I had never tried a pancake like that.  Something to add to their big list for Americans.  After breakfast, we jumped in the ocean.  We looked for sand dollars and shells and admitted when we were peeing.  The unspoken rule was to swim away from the group then do our business. 

Yosibell from Venezuala, Nuno from Portugal and I rented snorkel gear and began our search for sea shells and sea creatures.  When the sand flies became too much for us to handle, we headed back.  At dinner, I brought out the tequila.  Shit was about to get crazy... Fast!

Before we knew it, we were all naked in the ocean.  The tequila was gone and we were drinking a bottle of white wine and a bottle of vodka.  A jellyfish stung my left tit as I floated about.  Interesting feeling.  I guess I had started to float away into the deep sea because Lyndon from Austrailia pulled me back in.  ...Lyndon has dark hair, bright blue eyes, hard arms and an accent that will make your knees weak.  Too bad he was only on the Island for the weekend. 

After putting our bathing suits back on, we ran to the bar.  The owner turned up the music and we started to dance.  Keep in mind we were pretty much the only guests.  An American diver lit a joint and we passed it around.  It started to rain and we danced on the tables.  I lived up to my nickname, (boobs out Emily).  I wanted to go in the water again, so Lyndon and I ran toward the ocean and jumped in.  He told me about where he's been in California.  When we met back with the group, we got stares as if we did something nasty.  Psh, they were so in the dark.  American diver lit another joint and we kept dancing in the rain. 

The whole experience was like watching a movie.  This stuff doesn't happen in real life.  I was completely happy.  It was pure bliss, pure fun and pure Cambodia.

Surprisingly I woke up with no hangover.  I said goodbye to the volunteers that were staying and caught the boat with a few others.  Something very random happened along the way.  My Cambodian fire dancer was on a boat heading opposite us.  I doubt he remembered me but we waved to one another with big smiles.

I'm now on a bus back to Phnom Penh.  Dusk is slowly passing and slipping into dark.  There is no air conditioning and my legs have fused with the seat.  Ants linger by and mosquitoes buzz past me.  All these annoyances and I truly don't care.  I'm filled with happiness.  I love Cambodia with all of its surprises. 

So this is what finding yourself feels like . . .

Orphans at the Water Park

Nothing was going to stop me from going to the water park with the orphans.  No matter what my stomach issues were or if I had a headache.  I was gonna man up and give those babies an excellent day.

When we arrived at the orphanage, almost all the children were dressed in special outfits.  The boys had on pink shirts with beige overalls.  The twins, Lita and Lida had on adorable dresses.  Shylee was wearing a pink shirt with bright red pants.  The nuns had put a diaper on her and she was tearing it off every chance she got.  All the children had looks of complete happiness... Except for Vishna.  My sweet one year old boy was not dressed.  The Cambodian women said he couldn't go because he was sick.  I thought to myself, "I told you so!!!" 

Yesterday, Vishna was running a fever and he was very lethargic.  I kept asking the nuns and workers if he was sick.  They literally laughed in my face.  Every single one of them said, "No, Vishna Tired.  Vishna not hot, he not sick."  Of course I'd hoped I was a total moron for thinking this baby was sick.  But no, I'm not an idiot and when a baby has a fever, wont eat, and can't function.... um.... he's sick! 

Anyway, back to the water park story.Volunteers, nuns, kids, and workers headed downstairs to the "nun-mobile."  Before we could enter, we had to sit through 2 prayers that lasted longer than Gone With The Wind....  Finally in the nunmobile, we started toward the park.  The no air conditioning mixed with more sing-praying was an intresting combination.  I soon tuned out everything except the children.  As my eyes scanned the bus I saw nothing but gleeful smiling kids.  My eyes teared up when I looked at each individual child.  These babies are amused by so little.  They are over the moon about going into the playroom for 2 hours a day.  Now, they were actually getting out of the orphanage and breaking routine.  I cannot describe what I felt because the energy in that bus was beyond words. 

"WATER!!!" screamed Keo, as we pulled into the parking lot.  He jumped into my arms and bounced around.  Entering the park, I saw a HUGE sign explaining the complex water filtration system.  Now, I was excited!  Yay!  Clean water!

...Nope...  no clean water.  Murky, band-aid filled water.  Sharp concrete beneath my feet and dark, damp changing rooms.  But the kids could care less about the clarity of the water.  It was hot and they wanted to swim.  Soke kids loved the slides and some just screamed for their lives.  Every 5 minutes I would be a brat and ask the nuns if they were going down the water slide.  They would laugh and laugh and tell me, "oh no!."  The children with C.P. we carefully carried in the shallow pool.  It must have felt so good on their aching bodies to be completely weightless.

The kids had hamburgers and french fries for lunch.  Shylee picked up scraps of food on the ground with her toes and tried to eat them.  She gathered as many hamburger paties as she could and grasped them firmly in her hand.  It was interesting to watch her hoarding behaviors.  It really made me think of her life.  What she has been through.  This 10yr old girl has obviously struggled to exsist.  She is severely Autistic and it makes me wish she had proper care.  I think she could accomplish great things if given the chance.

After an amazing day, we piled in the van and headed back to the orphanage.  Back to the barred windows.  Back to the 2 hour playroom time.  The twins' mither was waiting to take the girls and you could feel the tension.  We said our goodbyes and parted ways.  Best wishes to Lida and Lita.  They will forever be in my heart.

This day confirmed that I will someday adopt.  I have a deep love for these kids and if I can help just one, I will.  Hell, If I could take one home with me in two weeks, I would.All in good time...

"Em, you're gonna make an excellent mum"

With my tummy still on the fritz, I powered through work today like a champ.  The kids however, were more vocal about their feelings.  There were lots of tantrums, lots of poop and copius amounts of pee (or, 'wee' as my Australian mates would call it).  I just plugged my nose and worked through all the bodily fluids being thrown at me.

The 1 year old twin girls, Lita and Lida are leaving the orphanage tomorrow.  I would like to say this is bittersweet but honestly, it's only bitter.  The twins haven't been adopted, their HIV positive parents decided to take them back.  I've seen the parents before and I'm sorry to say I am not impressed.  The mother and father have filthy clothing and look unwell.  I should be happy the girls are going back home but I worry for their safety.  Hopefully, I have incredibly misjudged these people.  Hopefully Lita and Lida get plenty of love, an education and security. 

On a better note, tomorrow all the volunteers are taking all the children (except the 2 infants) to the water park!  I cannot wait to see their smiling faces as they splash around and go down slides.  Even the dissabled children are allowed to go.  They are going to have a blast. 

Two nurses a few years older than me came in to visit the children.  They have recently opened up a clinic in a nearby province.  I was holding and rocking baby Pissat to sleep when one came to check his breathing.  He needs medication, as I expected.  Still holding the baby, another volunteer stood next to us.  She bluntly said, "Em, you're gonna make an excellent mum."  I don't know if I was just overly emotional but I nearly cried.  It was such a simple thing for this woman to say and it touched my heart.

After I placed the baby in his crib, I saw Shylee (Autistic girl) looking up to no good.  Sure enough the 10yr old girl had pooped on the patio.  I was beyond grateful that another worker saw and was going to clean it up.  5 minutes later, Shylee peed on the floor.  I cleaned her up and tried to be positive.  I thought maybe she wasn't getting enough attention.  So I played ring-around-the-rosie with her.  She was laughing and smiling.  Immediately after "ashes ashes, we all fall down" she peed.  I cleaned her up and tried even harder to be positive.  Regardless of my positive attitude she continued to pee on the floor and she never peed when I took her to the toilet.  All she did was eat soap and spit on me.  Interesting....  Very interesting.

Completely drained from work, my roommate Louise and I decided we wanted pizza.  We went home, washed all the interesting smells off ourselves, grabbed Emma and headed for the mall.  We had yummy veggie pizzas and garlic bread.  Followed by frozen yogurt with chocolate chips.  I haggled a fair price with a tuk tuk driver and we headed home.  Now, totally awake from the soda I drank with dinner, I'm trying hard to feel tired.  I have to get up early tomorrow and I want to be well rested for the kiddies.  I'll try and sleep now.  Going to bed with good thoughts about kind words on my motherly abilities. 

A day to myself

Today, I woke up drenched in sweat.  And while that was no surprise, the fact that I was shiverring cold was.  My tummy hasn't been my best friend this past week.  Without going into too much detail, let's just say I've become very close with my toilet.  This morning however, was bad, so I decided to stay home.  I didn't want to scare the poor children with my loud and angry tummy sounds...

I'm going to stop drinking the water from the volunteer house.  They say it's filtered but I wonder when they last changed the filter.  For now, only bottled water will be quenching my thirst... and coke, coke will be fine...

Other than some sharp, tummy pain, my morning has been great.  I did some much needed laundry and hung it to dry in the sun.  It isn't too hot with my fan directly on me, so I can comfortably read on my bed.  I'm on the second Hunger Games book and so far I am rooting for Peeta. 

I called my granny and we had a nice conversation.  I think this last weekend had her freaked out so hopefully it helped hearing that I was fine.  After, I called my mom, only to find that my B.F.F Kelly was at my house!  We joked about how creepy it made her seem.  Good times.  Hearing everyone talk made me happy.  I miss home but even after all the crap that's occurred, I still love Cambodia.  I think it's a love/hate kind of relationship. 

I was sad that I wouldn't see my babies today but I think this day to myself is just what I needed.  I've been around people almost the entire time here so being an introvert has proven difficult.  After making a full recovery I will be ready for the last half of my trip.  20 more days!  Oh how time flies!

Did that really just happen!?

What a lovely Sihanoukville vacation..................  I was sick on my birthday but felt better the day after.  I went to a beautiful beach and swam in the ocean.  Little, striped fish and medium crabs swam by me.  It was so much fun and it made me fall in love with the South Coast of Cambodia. 

Most of Saturday night was just as much fun as the day.  We went for dinner, saw fire dancing and drank a bit.  The fire dancers were super sexy, so after a few drinks, I grabbed one and we danced under a black light.  He smelled like lighter fluid and had rough hands.  Aside from the normal tourists, there were quite a few perverts.  This man who was most likely a pimp tried taking photos up my friend, Yosi's dress.  I pushed her legs together and gave the pimp a bitchy look.  With her South American accent, she said, "that creeper juss try to take picture of my poooosy!"  Mixed with the perverts were pretty "lady-men" hookers.  Nuno was very surprised when I pointed one out.  I think he was crushing on he/she and was freaked out when I told him what he/she was. 
Nearing the end of the night Nikki told me she was heading back to the hotel.  I gave her the key and told her to be careful.  I continued to dance with my sexy Cambodian but suddenly came to my senses.  I ran to catch up with her and we started our 5 minute walk back to the hotel.

We made sure we were walking on the correct side of the road.  We passed quite a few motos and politely declined their offers.  Then a moto did a quick u-turn and before I knew it, Nikki was no longer by my side.  I turned around to her yelling and saw her being dagged along the pavement by the moto.  She made the driver and his passenger lose control and they crashed into the divider.  I ran toward her and kept going after the driver.  They were able to get the bike up and going before I could catch them.  The people who witnessed it did nothing to help.  A boy picked up the driver's dropped hat, put it on and walked away. 

My friend was bleeding, crying and I was in total shock.  We went back to the hotel and tried to get the police.  These Russian tourists gave us bandages and antiseptic.  I took Nikki to the room, washed her up and dressed her wounds.  I gave her some pain meds and we made all the necessary calls.  The police weren't coming until the morning so we tried to sleep. 

Both upset and exhausted, we finally shut our eyes around 5am.  Every little noise woke me because I was scared about the theives having our room key.  I awoke at 7am and left my sore, sleeping friend to ask questions of management.  They rang the police again and told us they would come at 10am.  I had little faith they would actually show up. 

To my surprise the police came right around the promised time.  A sweet hotel employee translated for us and Nikki was able to get everything signed and fingerprinted.  The only issue was they needed her to stay one more night so she could talk with the chief of police in the morning.  This was a huge issue.  I wasn't about to leave her there and we both wanted to get back home.  I called Serei, our project manager/angel, on the brink of tears.  He talked with the officers and then informed me we could come home.  Yay!  We couldn't wait to get to Phnom Penh.

Yosi grabbed us a couple tickets on their bus and we hauled ass to the bus station.  I don't even want to think about what I left behind, we were just happy to get out of that horrible province. 

On the 5 hour ride home, Nikki and I had our share of inappropriate laughs, appropriate cries and necessary head shakes.  Sihanoukville had got us and we couldn't believe it.  Dinner was waiting for our group when we arrived home.  After eating, I showered and then attended to Nikki's scrapes and gashes.  She told me I should be a nurse, no doubt.

I am once again happy to be home.  Especially after this interesting weekend filled with many ups and and as many downs.  At least I can honestly say I partied in South East Asia, danced with a hot, sweaty Cambodian and drank from a bucket.  I'm more aware of the dangers here and I will be more careful.  It shook me up but I'm grateful Nikki isn't seriously injured.  Though, no more "snookie"ville for us.

Wow. What a Crazy Night! ...Not...

My birthday in Cambodia has been pretty uneventful.  It's no ones fault but my own.  The other volunteers tried to make my day and night wild but I caught a case of the lazies/depressies and couldn't shake it off.  I'm a tad disappointed in myself but there's always next year.

I woke up around 5am to leave for Sihanoukville.  I was groggy, cranky and didn't want to open my heavy eyelids.  Finally forcing myself out of bed, I took a quick, cold shower and met Nikki downstairs.  She looked in the shame shape I was.  We complained about various things, ate peanut butter on bread and headed out to catch a tuk tuk.

The bus ride was as boring and dirty as expected.  I tried to sleep through most of it which was hard with the Cambodian Karaoke blaring in my ear.  When we arrived in Sihanoukville, it was hard finding an honest tuk tuk driver.  They all seemed to be over charging and were quite rude.  My bad mood went to worst mood and I just wanted to get to the hotel.  Thankfully we grabbed a driver with a fair fare.

The hotel (more like motel) was better than I expected.  It had a clean pool, hot water and air conditioning.  What more could a girl ask for?  At 12 dollars a night, this place would do just fine.

Nikki and I spent the day lounging by the pool, sipping on banana shakes and reading.  THIS is how I wanted my birthday.  When it came time to shower and get ready to meet up with the others, my tummy sunk and I felt weird.  I thought it was from too much sun but had a feeling it was something else.  Something eating away at me and ruining my chance for happiness on my birthday.I told myself to snap out of it and to grow the hell up.  So much easier said than done.

All dressed up, we started our 3 min stoll to the beach.  Wearing all black with a dark purple purse probably wasn't the wisest of choices.  The road was dark and empty and I got an eerie feeling walking down it.  When we did walk past people, 9 times out of 10, it was an old white guy with a young, Cambodian prostitute.  This didn't help my sick feeling.

The ocean was calm and the beach was dirty.  Lot's of wild dogs, pained by breeding, with red, sore nipples, trying to find scraps of food.  The children were almost as bad as the dogs when it came to scavanging something to eat.  One boy, asked me to buy a bracelet as he longingly stared at my almost untouched bowl of rice.  After he left, Nikki asked me how my birthday was going.  I finally opened up and told her about my dad, about the suicide and about my birthday.  My throat felt tight and my eyes squinted but I bit my cheek and forced myself not to cry.  After the painful conversation, Nikki understood why I wasn't ecstatic about my day. 

Leaving the table, I fondled my purse zipper to find that it was open.  My purse was open and my wallet was gone!  I immediately blamed the hungry children from dinner.  They were sitting close and they were sneaky. At this point I was thinking, "That's it, I give up!  Fuck my birthday and fuck Cambodia."  "Wait," I thought.  "Did you bring your wallet out with you?"  It was a lonnnng walk back to the hotel and a struggle with the key to the door.  As I turned on the light, there it was.  Sitting right where I had left it.  Beaming toward me and mocking me at the same time.  Nice one Em, are you done being a fool? 

Now, curled up in bed, freezing from the air conditioning and watching a Tom Cruise film, I'm ready to call it a night.  Thank you to everyone who attempted to make this day great.  It just wasn't in the cards.  My mental block has not yet come down.  Neither home nor Cambodia can cure this broken heart.  All I can hope for is mending.  I really do try to be positive and I really do try to move on.  I guess I just need more time... and perhaps a new birthday...

Ready for the weekend

I worked my bum off this week.  I'm soooo ready for my long birthday weekend.  Today, Shylee decided to pee in a plastic cup and drink it...  Now I know why the Cambodian workers do not allow her to have cups.  So yeah...  I'm spent and need a weekend of rest and relaxation.

Our project manager warned us not to travel to Sihanoukville this Friday because there is going to be massive storms.  But, it's my birthday, dammit!  I'm going to the beach no matter the state of weather.

Nikki and I had planned on going to Koh Rong Island.  However, we didn't want to be stuck in our bungalows all weekend so our island getaway will be postponed until next week.  Instead, we booked a hotel on Serrndipity beach.  Our plan is to go crazy on my birthday night.  According to other volunteers, Serendipity beach is supposed to be, "wild."  Night swimming in the ocean is high on my list of things to do...and I wouldn't mind meeting a hot Aussie!  ;)

In other news, my legs look like they've got red dots painted all over them.  I've got some pretty mean-looking bites.  The mosquitos here are really sneaky.  I hate them.  So, WHEN I meet my hot Aussie at the beach this weekend, I hope my blood-sucked limbs don't make him cringe.  AND hopefully he doesn't notice my swollen right foot.  It's almost cankle status.  Other than all my hideous abnormalities, I'm literally hot as hell! 

Woo!  Birthday weekend!

Nuns: 1 Emily: 0

These last couple weeks have been filled with holding my tongue around the nuns.  It is frustrating enough when you are trying to discipline a child for biting or hitting you.  Add a nun to the equation and it becomes a million times worse.

Don't get me wrong these women are very nice and have the greatest intentions but they don't have any rules for the children.  Just today, Simone (the boy with Down Syndrome) tried to bite me when I wouldn't let him steal other's food.  I removed him from the table and placed him in his crib.  As he cried, I got down to eye level and explained that stealing and biting are not okay.  My plan was to take him back to the table once he calmed down.  Before I could follow through, a nun came shuffling over and said, "No, he need more food.  Take back to table.  Simone need more food."  I told her that he tried to bite me.  She ignored me, picked him up, hugged him, praised him and returned him to the table.  I clenched my teeth so hard my jaw hurt.  Simone is so intelligent and I see so much potential but he will never be able to function in society if he doesn't learn consiquences.

Yesterday morning I saw a mother drop her new born off.  She had tears in her eyes as she talked with the nuns.  Later, I met this new baby and looked at him with awe.  He is 4 weeks old but doesn't weigh more than 2 lbs.  His skin dangles from his bones and his breathing is quick.  Holding this fragile, malnurished baby for the first time was intense.  I'm in love with him and I hope he doesn't fall ill like past infants.  I want him to become a chubby, happy baby.

I do feel as though I'm making a difference.  Recently, Shylee, the Autistic girl, came and sat on my lap.It was an accomplishment because she so seldom likes to be touched.  I felt so proud that she was starting to trust me.  Soon after, she went on the balcony, took her clothes off and peed...Baby steps. 

My job is always entertaining and I'm never bored.  I honestly love it and I can't wait to go to work every day.  I am exhausted and ready to relax.  It's storming outside with thunder and lightning.  Perfect time to tend to my bug bites, read my book and nod off to sleep. 

Saying Goodbye and Saying Hello

Total sadness that I had to say farewell to some of my ladies this weekend.  Stephanie(s), Katie, Katisse, Gillian and Alexa finished their volunteering and headed separate ways.  Nuno, Kimmie and Nikki are all that remain of my group.  It's not so bad because the people that have been here longer are great and the new group seems enthusiastic and nice.

I had a fabulous roommate for two weeks, so saying goodbye to Alexa was rough.  I was nervous about my new roomie until I met her 2 hours ago.  Her name is Louise and she is from England.  Haven't quite talked to her much but I think we'll get along fine.  She'll be working at Maria Theresa with me.  So we should have plenty to gossip about at night.  I just hope she doesn't get freaked out by the thunderous noises coming from my tummy.  Fish Amok for lunch was a bad choice...

Other than my new friends leaving me, this weekend was a smash.  We went for drinks on Friday night to celebrate Nikki's birthday.  Alexa and I shared a jug of some vodka drink and I consiquently had a throbbing headache the next morning.  But it was nothing a day at the pool and sunbathing couldn't fix.  When I got home, I deep cleaned my room and bathroom, showered and started a book.  Later that night, I played cards with Nuno.  I lost and accused him of cheating.  With the absence of my roommate, I was able to sleep with fan directly on me.  It was the best sleep I've had since being Cambodia.  
Today (Sunday) I took a cooking class in the city.  We went to the market and saw fresh fruits, veggies and flowers.  The meat section of the market is always hard to stomach.  The chickens in cages or hanging from their feet, still moving make my eyes water.  Most of the fish are still alive but are in no water.  So they are slowly suffocating to death in front of you.  The Cambodian women chopped the fish heads off and somehow their gills still gasped for air.  The slaughterhouse was thankfully cleaned after the 3am killings.  What was left were lifeless pig bodies, cow tonges and ribs.  After holding my breath and swatting away hundreds of flies, we made it out of the market.  Oh boy was I ready to eat...

During class I made taro root spring rolls, fish amok, banana flower salad and sticky mango rice.  It was all very yummy but now my tummy is yelling at me.

Our instructor was hilarious.  He had the strangest English accent which he supposedly got while studying in Singapore.  His brother-in-law was his assistant and he was a freakin hottie.  After flirting and saying as many Khmer words I knew, I found out he was in high school.  Woops.  It was still loads of fun and I learned a lot.  However, it was a lot of work and I'm happy to be in bed now. 

Friday is my birthday and I'm obviously having mixed emotions.  When the other girls talk about their fathers, my heart sinks a little.  But, I'll be fine.  If working with abandoned children has taught me anything, it's that blood doesn't make family.  My family consists of those who stand by my side through thick or thin.  My family is anyone who touches my soul and makes me a better person.  I'm very grateful for what I have.  It wouldn't matter what day my dad killed himself on.  It would be hard no matter what.  So, instead of dwelling, I'll keep going.  Cry a little, smile a little and laugh a lot. 

But right now, I don't have time to cry.  I have to try and get this cockroach out of my room.  He was kind of cute at first but now he's creeping me out.  I swear he's staring at me!