"Em, you're gonna make an excellent mum"

With my tummy still on the fritz, I powered through work today like a champ.  The kids however, were more vocal about their feelings.  There were lots of tantrums, lots of poop and copius amounts of pee (or, 'wee' as my Australian mates would call it).  I just plugged my nose and worked through all the bodily fluids being thrown at me.

The 1 year old twin girls, Lita and Lida are leaving the orphanage tomorrow.  I would like to say this is bittersweet but honestly, it's only bitter.  The twins haven't been adopted, their HIV positive parents decided to take them back.  I've seen the parents before and I'm sorry to say I am not impressed.  The mother and father have filthy clothing and look unwell.  I should be happy the girls are going back home but I worry for their safety.  Hopefully, I have incredibly misjudged these people.  Hopefully Lita and Lida get plenty of love, an education and security. 

On a better note, tomorrow all the volunteers are taking all the children (except the 2 infants) to the water park!  I cannot wait to see their smiling faces as they splash around and go down slides.  Even the dissabled children are allowed to go.  They are going to have a blast. 

Two nurses a few years older than me came in to visit the children.  They have recently opened up a clinic in a nearby province.  I was holding and rocking baby Pissat to sleep when one came to check his breathing.  He needs medication, as I expected.  Still holding the baby, another volunteer stood next to us.  She bluntly said, "Em, you're gonna make an excellent mum."  I don't know if I was just overly emotional but I nearly cried.  It was such a simple thing for this woman to say and it touched my heart.

After I placed the baby in his crib, I saw Shylee (Autistic girl) looking up to no good.  Sure enough the 10yr old girl had pooped on the patio.  I was beyond grateful that another worker saw and was going to clean it up.  5 minutes later, Shylee peed on the floor.  I cleaned her up and tried to be positive.  I thought maybe she wasn't getting enough attention.  So I played ring-around-the-rosie with her.  She was laughing and smiling.  Immediately after "ashes ashes, we all fall down" she peed.  I cleaned her up and tried even harder to be positive.  Regardless of my positive attitude she continued to pee on the floor and she never peed when I took her to the toilet.  All she did was eat soap and spit on me.  Interesting....  Very interesting.

Completely drained from work, my roommate Louise and I decided we wanted pizza.  We went home, washed all the interesting smells off ourselves, grabbed Emma and headed for the mall.  We had yummy veggie pizzas and garlic bread.  Followed by frozen yogurt with chocolate chips.  I haggled a fair price with a tuk tuk driver and we headed home.  Now, totally awake from the soda I drank with dinner, I'm trying hard to feel tired.  I have to get up early tomorrow and I want to be well rested for the kiddies.  I'll try and sleep now.  Going to bed with good thoughts about kind words on my motherly abilities. 

A day to myself

Today, I woke up drenched in sweat.  And while that was no surprise, the fact that I was shiverring cold was.  My tummy hasn't been my best friend this past week.  Without going into too much detail, let's just say I've become very close with my toilet.  This morning however, was bad, so I decided to stay home.  I didn't want to scare the poor children with my loud and angry tummy sounds...

I'm going to stop drinking the water from the volunteer house.  They say it's filtered but I wonder when they last changed the filter.  For now, only bottled water will be quenching my thirst... and coke, coke will be fine...

Other than some sharp, tummy pain, my morning has been great.  I did some much needed laundry and hung it to dry in the sun.  It isn't too hot with my fan directly on me, so I can comfortably read on my bed.  I'm on the second Hunger Games book and so far I am rooting for Peeta. 

I called my granny and we had a nice conversation.  I think this last weekend had her freaked out so hopefully it helped hearing that I was fine.  After, I called my mom, only to find that my B.F.F Kelly was at my house!  We joked about how creepy it made her seem.  Good times.  Hearing everyone talk made me happy.  I miss home but even after all the crap that's occurred, I still love Cambodia.  I think it's a love/hate kind of relationship. 

I was sad that I wouldn't see my babies today but I think this day to myself is just what I needed.  I've been around people almost the entire time here so being an introvert has proven difficult.  After making a full recovery I will be ready for the last half of my trip.  20 more days!  Oh how time flies!

Did that really just happen!?

What a lovely Sihanoukville vacation..................  I was sick on my birthday but felt better the day after.  I went to a beautiful beach and swam in the ocean.  Little, striped fish and medium crabs swam by me.  It was so much fun and it made me fall in love with the South Coast of Cambodia. 

Most of Saturday night was just as much fun as the day.  We went for dinner, saw fire dancing and drank a bit.  The fire dancers were super sexy, so after a few drinks, I grabbed one and we danced under a black light.  He smelled like lighter fluid and had rough hands.  Aside from the normal tourists, there were quite a few perverts.  This man who was most likely a pimp tried taking photos up my friend, Yosi's dress.  I pushed her legs together and gave the pimp a bitchy look.  With her South American accent, she said, "that creeper juss try to take picture of my poooosy!"  Mixed with the perverts were pretty "lady-men" hookers.  Nuno was very surprised when I pointed one out.  I think he was crushing on he/she and was freaked out when I told him what he/she was. 
Nearing the end of the night Nikki told me she was heading back to the hotel.  I gave her the key and told her to be careful.  I continued to dance with my sexy Cambodian but suddenly came to my senses.  I ran to catch up with her and we started our 5 minute walk back to the hotel.

We made sure we were walking on the correct side of the road.  We passed quite a few motos and politely declined their offers.  Then a moto did a quick u-turn and before I knew it, Nikki was no longer by my side.  I turned around to her yelling and saw her being dagged along the pavement by the moto.  She made the driver and his passenger lose control and they crashed into the divider.  I ran toward her and kept going after the driver.  They were able to get the bike up and going before I could catch them.  The people who witnessed it did nothing to help.  A boy picked up the driver's dropped hat, put it on and walked away. 

My friend was bleeding, crying and I was in total shock.  We went back to the hotel and tried to get the police.  These Russian tourists gave us bandages and antiseptic.  I took Nikki to the room, washed her up and dressed her wounds.  I gave her some pain meds and we made all the necessary calls.  The police weren't coming until the morning so we tried to sleep. 

Both upset and exhausted, we finally shut our eyes around 5am.  Every little noise woke me because I was scared about the theives having our room key.  I awoke at 7am and left my sore, sleeping friend to ask questions of management.  They rang the police again and told us they would come at 10am.  I had little faith they would actually show up. 

To my surprise the police came right around the promised time.  A sweet hotel employee translated for us and Nikki was able to get everything signed and fingerprinted.  The only issue was they needed her to stay one more night so she could talk with the chief of police in the morning.  This was a huge issue.  I wasn't about to leave her there and we both wanted to get back home.  I called Serei, our project manager/angel, on the brink of tears.  He talked with the officers and then informed me we could come home.  Yay!  We couldn't wait to get to Phnom Penh.

Yosi grabbed us a couple tickets on their bus and we hauled ass to the bus station.  I don't even want to think about what I left behind, we were just happy to get out of that horrible province. 

On the 5 hour ride home, Nikki and I had our share of inappropriate laughs, appropriate cries and necessary head shakes.  Sihanoukville had got us and we couldn't believe it.  Dinner was waiting for our group when we arrived home.  After eating, I showered and then attended to Nikki's scrapes and gashes.  She told me I should be a nurse, no doubt.

I am once again happy to be home.  Especially after this interesting weekend filled with many ups and and as many downs.  At least I can honestly say I partied in South East Asia, danced with a hot, sweaty Cambodian and drank from a bucket.  I'm more aware of the dangers here and I will be more careful.  It shook me up but I'm grateful Nikki isn't seriously injured.  Though, no more "snookie"ville for us.

Wow. What a Crazy Night! ...Not...

My birthday in Cambodia has been pretty uneventful.  It's no ones fault but my own.  The other volunteers tried to make my day and night wild but I caught a case of the lazies/depressies and couldn't shake it off.  I'm a tad disappointed in myself but there's always next year.

I woke up around 5am to leave for Sihanoukville.  I was groggy, cranky and didn't want to open my heavy eyelids.  Finally forcing myself out of bed, I took a quick, cold shower and met Nikki downstairs.  She looked in the shame shape I was.  We complained about various things, ate peanut butter on bread and headed out to catch a tuk tuk.

The bus ride was as boring and dirty as expected.  I tried to sleep through most of it which was hard with the Cambodian Karaoke blaring in my ear.  When we arrived in Sihanoukville, it was hard finding an honest tuk tuk driver.  They all seemed to be over charging and were quite rude.  My bad mood went to worst mood and I just wanted to get to the hotel.  Thankfully we grabbed a driver with a fair fare.

The hotel (more like motel) was better than I expected.  It had a clean pool, hot water and air conditioning.  What more could a girl ask for?  At 12 dollars a night, this place would do just fine.

Nikki and I spent the day lounging by the pool, sipping on banana shakes and reading.  THIS is how I wanted my birthday.  When it came time to shower and get ready to meet up with the others, my tummy sunk and I felt weird.  I thought it was from too much sun but had a feeling it was something else.  Something eating away at me and ruining my chance for happiness on my birthday.I told myself to snap out of it and to grow the hell up.  So much easier said than done.

All dressed up, we started our 3 min stoll to the beach.  Wearing all black with a dark purple purse probably wasn't the wisest of choices.  The road was dark and empty and I got an eerie feeling walking down it.  When we did walk past people, 9 times out of 10, it was an old white guy with a young, Cambodian prostitute.  This didn't help my sick feeling.

The ocean was calm and the beach was dirty.  Lot's of wild dogs, pained by breeding, with red, sore nipples, trying to find scraps of food.  The children were almost as bad as the dogs when it came to scavanging something to eat.  One boy, asked me to buy a bracelet as he longingly stared at my almost untouched bowl of rice.  After he left, Nikki asked me how my birthday was going.  I finally opened up and told her about my dad, about the suicide and about my birthday.  My throat felt tight and my eyes squinted but I bit my cheek and forced myself not to cry.  After the painful conversation, Nikki understood why I wasn't ecstatic about my day. 

Leaving the table, I fondled my purse zipper to find that it was open.  My purse was open and my wallet was gone!  I immediately blamed the hungry children from dinner.  They were sitting close and they were sneaky. At this point I was thinking, "That's it, I give up!  Fuck my birthday and fuck Cambodia."  "Wait," I thought.  "Did you bring your wallet out with you?"  It was a lonnnng walk back to the hotel and a struggle with the key to the door.  As I turned on the light, there it was.  Sitting right where I had left it.  Beaming toward me and mocking me at the same time.  Nice one Em, are you done being a fool? 

Now, curled up in bed, freezing from the air conditioning and watching a Tom Cruise film, I'm ready to call it a night.  Thank you to everyone who attempted to make this day great.  It just wasn't in the cards.  My mental block has not yet come down.  Neither home nor Cambodia can cure this broken heart.  All I can hope for is mending.  I really do try to be positive and I really do try to move on.  I guess I just need more time... and perhaps a new birthday...

Ready for the weekend

I worked my bum off this week.  I'm soooo ready for my long birthday weekend.  Today, Shylee decided to pee in a plastic cup and drink it...  Now I know why the Cambodian workers do not allow her to have cups.  So yeah...  I'm spent and need a weekend of rest and relaxation.

Our project manager warned us not to travel to Sihanoukville this Friday because there is going to be massive storms.  But, it's my birthday, dammit!  I'm going to the beach no matter the state of weather.

Nikki and I had planned on going to Koh Rong Island.  However, we didn't want to be stuck in our bungalows all weekend so our island getaway will be postponed until next week.  Instead, we booked a hotel on Serrndipity beach.  Our plan is to go crazy on my birthday night.  According to other volunteers, Serendipity beach is supposed to be, "wild."  Night swimming in the ocean is high on my list of things to do...and I wouldn't mind meeting a hot Aussie!  ;)

In other news, my legs look like they've got red dots painted all over them.  I've got some pretty mean-looking bites.  The mosquitos here are really sneaky.  I hate them.  So, WHEN I meet my hot Aussie at the beach this weekend, I hope my blood-sucked limbs don't make him cringe.  AND hopefully he doesn't notice my swollen right foot.  It's almost cankle status.  Other than all my hideous abnormalities, I'm literally hot as hell! 

Woo!  Birthday weekend!

Nuns: 1 Emily: 0

These last couple weeks have been filled with holding my tongue around the nuns.  It is frustrating enough when you are trying to discipline a child for biting or hitting you.  Add a nun to the equation and it becomes a million times worse.

Don't get me wrong these women are very nice and have the greatest intentions but they don't have any rules for the children.  Just today, Simone (the boy with Down Syndrome) tried to bite me when I wouldn't let him steal other's food.  I removed him from the table and placed him in his crib.  As he cried, I got down to eye level and explained that stealing and biting are not okay.  My plan was to take him back to the table once he calmed down.  Before I could follow through, a nun came shuffling over and said, "No, he need more food.  Take back to table.  Simone need more food."  I told her that he tried to bite me.  She ignored me, picked him up, hugged him, praised him and returned him to the table.  I clenched my teeth so hard my jaw hurt.  Simone is so intelligent and I see so much potential but he will never be able to function in society if he doesn't learn consiquences.

Yesterday morning I saw a mother drop her new born off.  She had tears in her eyes as she talked with the nuns.  Later, I met this new baby and looked at him with awe.  He is 4 weeks old but doesn't weigh more than 2 lbs.  His skin dangles from his bones and his breathing is quick.  Holding this fragile, malnurished baby for the first time was intense.  I'm in love with him and I hope he doesn't fall ill like past infants.  I want him to become a chubby, happy baby.

I do feel as though I'm making a difference.  Recently, Shylee, the Autistic girl, came and sat on my lap.It was an accomplishment because she so seldom likes to be touched.  I felt so proud that she was starting to trust me.  Soon after, she went on the balcony, took her clothes off and peed...Baby steps. 

My job is always entertaining and I'm never bored.  I honestly love it and I can't wait to go to work every day.  I am exhausted and ready to relax.  It's storming outside with thunder and lightning.  Perfect time to tend to my bug bites, read my book and nod off to sleep. 

Saying Goodbye and Saying Hello

Total sadness that I had to say farewell to some of my ladies this weekend.  Stephanie(s), Katie, Katisse, Gillian and Alexa finished their volunteering and headed separate ways.  Nuno, Kimmie and Nikki are all that remain of my group.  It's not so bad because the people that have been here longer are great and the new group seems enthusiastic and nice.

I had a fabulous roommate for two weeks, so saying goodbye to Alexa was rough.  I was nervous about my new roomie until I met her 2 hours ago.  Her name is Louise and she is from England.  Haven't quite talked to her much but I think we'll get along fine.  She'll be working at Maria Theresa with me.  So we should have plenty to gossip about at night.  I just hope she doesn't get freaked out by the thunderous noises coming from my tummy.  Fish Amok for lunch was a bad choice...

Other than my new friends leaving me, this weekend was a smash.  We went for drinks on Friday night to celebrate Nikki's birthday.  Alexa and I shared a jug of some vodka drink and I consiquently had a throbbing headache the next morning.  But it was nothing a day at the pool and sunbathing couldn't fix.  When I got home, I deep cleaned my room and bathroom, showered and started a book.  Later that night, I played cards with Nuno.  I lost and accused him of cheating.  With the absence of my roommate, I was able to sleep with fan directly on me.  It was the best sleep I've had since being Cambodia.  
Today (Sunday) I took a cooking class in the city.  We went to the market and saw fresh fruits, veggies and flowers.  The meat section of the market is always hard to stomach.  The chickens in cages or hanging from their feet, still moving make my eyes water.  Most of the fish are still alive but are in no water.  So they are slowly suffocating to death in front of you.  The Cambodian women chopped the fish heads off and somehow their gills still gasped for air.  The slaughterhouse was thankfully cleaned after the 3am killings.  What was left were lifeless pig bodies, cow tonges and ribs.  After holding my breath and swatting away hundreds of flies, we made it out of the market.  Oh boy was I ready to eat...

During class I made taro root spring rolls, fish amok, banana flower salad and sticky mango rice.  It was all very yummy but now my tummy is yelling at me.

Our instructor was hilarious.  He had the strangest English accent which he supposedly got while studying in Singapore.  His brother-in-law was his assistant and he was a freakin hottie.  After flirting and saying as many Khmer words I knew, I found out he was in high school.  Woops.  It was still loads of fun and I learned a lot.  However, it was a lot of work and I'm happy to be in bed now. 

Friday is my birthday and I'm obviously having mixed emotions.  When the other girls talk about their fathers, my heart sinks a little.  But, I'll be fine.  If working with abandoned children has taught me anything, it's that blood doesn't make family.  My family consists of those who stand by my side through thick or thin.  My family is anyone who touches my soul and makes me a better person.  I'm very grateful for what I have.  It wouldn't matter what day my dad killed himself on.  It would be hard no matter what.  So, instead of dwelling, I'll keep going.  Cry a little, smile a little and laugh a lot. 

But right now, I don't have time to cry.  I have to try and get this cockroach out of my room.  He was kind of cute at first but now he's creeping me out.  I swear he's staring at me!